Ready or not

I am trying to make it a habit to post daily to this blog, even at moments like right now when I don't feel like it at all.

I don't like today very much at the moment, although it's been a perfectly good day and I am mostly having an emotional reaction to a day that hasn't
even arrived yet.

The morning started with tea x2 and a good breakfast of eggs and an English muffin to the open windows, but that was short lived due to the immense amount of smoke smell coming in. It began to make sense why I had a headache all night while I was attempting to sleep and woke with it as well. Windows shut and a/c back on, the morning continued less painfully.

Mid afternoon I picked Grant up from work and we went to meet our new OBGYN. Had a quick picnic lunch in the parking lot in our car before going in to fill out a very short set of new patient paperwork in a waiting room that was actually kid friendly (good sign). Got called back on time and met the Dr., who we liked very much. Talked a lot about where things were with Alchemy at the moment, and what our plan for her birth would be. Honestly, she made this cesarean section sound like a piece of celebratory birthday cake for our little one while being super honest and open to hearing my questions and concerns. All this is great, but I still feel completely unprepared mentally & emotionally for the fact that this is a reality. A reality I very well may experience in the next several days- it's the doctor's hope at this time to get me scheduled with the hospital to birth on Monday.

While Grant has reached a new stage of excitement that she will be here in a few days and this all finally feels more real to him, I have reached a weird numb slightly terrified space of realizing that I only have a few short days left to prepare both for her arrival and for this surgery that I still don't want. I thought I was doing better emotionally with it until about 20 minutes ago. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more stable with it once we have the actual delivery time set up and the plan more finalized.

I couldn't even think about making dinner when we got home, so I took us out for Thai at our favorite Thai place. Had the same soup I ate on our wedding night thinking it seemed appropriate as my last Thai meal before the birth. (we conceived her after that yummy post wedding dinner)

Watered our garden after dinner, then ran an errand to the library to check out some books. Came home to find a garbage pail on our doorstep. While this would be odd to most folks, for us it was exciting since it was our first diaper delivery from our diaper service! One big pail, a bag, 3 waterproof covers, a snappi and 90 newborn cloth diapers all here and ready to go.

Now, I just have to get ready too.

I have a list of things in mind that still need to be done that feels overwhelming at the moment, especially since Grant is putting in so much work time trying to buy more time to spend with me in the weeks that come. Part of me feels stressed by all that I need to get done this weekend in preparation, and part of me wonders if the prep would be best to keep my mind off the upcoming surgery. We shall see.

Location:Austin, TX