Om Gam Gana Pataye- Ganesha please open the way, remove the obstacles and clear my path.
Yet again, this blog gets an overhaul. I think the problem I often have with it is that I don't know what to use it for, or how I want to use this container for my thoughts, images, voice etc.. I also don't know who I want to share this with, so then I wonder who I am writing for.
This time around, I think I am mostly posting for myself, using this as a space to record the moments I need to release from myself- if others read it or desire to, that is good too.
So, there was deleting, re-naming, new photos and new life given to this blog today.
New life seems to be my theme at the moment. I am just over 37 weeks along in my pregnancy, getting closer to the moment when I get to meet my daughter. Lately, a lot of my energy has gone into worrying about the process of getting her here rather than the end result of having her here with me. This has been the most amazing beautiful pregnancy, and this close to the end a tiny problem surfaces- she is breach and doesn't seem to want to turn yet. Now when a problem arises, I am not the kind of woman not to try to take it on, so I found (& still find) myself doing everything in my power to help this little girl flip- moxabustion, chiropractor visits, inversions on land, inversion in water, swimming, music, hot/cold exposure etc... plus a visit with an OBGYN who attempted to turn her. What an intense experience. We tried 3 times with no luck. At this point in the game your average person would probably just give up, but I can't seem to do that. Although I will get no more help from doctors on this one, I am still doing the moxa, chiro & inversions plus everything else I can think of to assist in making my body the open vessel she needs to turn into the proper position.
Today in my visit to the Chiro, I got a mirror held up for me. The Dr. told me that he sees a definite blockage energetically with me- in my case, the solar plexus chakra or Will center, the core of me. What he pointed out is that I am currently second-guessing myself & my worth, carrying weight of guilt or feelings of inadequacy with me around all this breach business. Of course, he nailed it. I have totally been struggling with feeling like her being in the wrong position is somehow my fault- that I am not open enough in my pelvis or that my body isn't capable of supporting her to turn and that if I end up having to have a ceasarean birth that I would somehow be failing her when my intentions were to have a natural birth. Plenty of grief has been shed over this in the past few week, plenty of tears have fallen. I literally sat one day in the midst of it all feeling somewhere between heartbroken and in mourning for the birth that I had so desperately wanted, feeling crushed by the possibility that I would have to go through surgery instead.
But then, there is the product not the process- my husband Grant keeps reminding me that no matter what the method of her getting here is, the real goal is that she arrives healthy and I am too. And when I focus on that and on her, a calm settles in for me. Then I realize that I still have hope- there is a chance that in the next two and a half weeks prior to her due date that all the efforts I put in will help, she may still turn. The key is staying open- I can't curl around the grief and fear because it closes me more, but instead need to unfold and open like a lotus to the possibilities of this all going well and the potential to still birth naturally.
So today, I sit and breathe into that space just above my belly and below my breastbone- so near to hear head and her cute little toes sits that blocked chakra. I imagine it opening and clearing, producing more space for her to be, to move, to flow with the waves of my body in the potential that she will turn on her own, on her own terms. I remind myself that I can assist but ultimately have to let go- trying to control this situation is not serving either one of us.
