Tie, Cry, Why? Oh my.

What a hectic week so far.

As I may have mentioned already, breast feeding has been a bit troublesome for us due to latch issues with Alchemy and my nipples getting more and more damaged as a result. Thankfully, I have the nipple shields to use while I am trying to heal them.

Monday I got a hold of a lactation specialist who was referred to me by my local La Leche League group that I contacted for help. She used to be the leader of the group a couple of years ago and came highly recommended by the new leader. Called her up and we made plans for her to come that evening to help me out. I was nervous, especially after I had such a bad experience with the postpartum midwife who came out to our house following the birth. When she (the PPM) left my house I was in tears, my baby was hysterical and I felt like a huge failure of a mother. Actually, I felt like Alchemy and I had just been very poorly treated physically and emotionally. This led to me booking my follow up visit for next week with someone else. Anyways, yes, nervous about the new person coming.

Thankfully, I didn't have to be. D arrived and was instantly the perfect gentle smile and hand for us. She had a lot of wisdom to go with her own personal experience with 4 kids, and is well studied on lactation issues and very thorough in her inspection of both me and Alchemy to try to help us. She started by checking for a high palate which she did not have. Next, she checked for a tongue tie, which she did see. I was happy someone finally saw what I had seen all along and asked about several times at the hospital, being told "no, she's fine". Tongue tie is a definite cause of latch issues because it keeps a baby from lifting their tongue all the way to the roof of their mouth, or sticking it out beyond their bottom lip. If they have limited movement, they can't latch to the breast correctly or pull the nipple back far enough to nurse correctly. While this may sound like bad news, it was actually good news because it is fixable with a simple procedure. D referred me to an ENT doc who is very good at diagnosing and treating tongue ties and told me to follow up with him. After that we weighed her, then nursed her in two sessions, weighing her at the middle and end to see how much milk she was taking in. She took in 3 oz in that hour and made good weight gain. If she isn't already, she will probably be back to her birth weight in a day or so. D helped us calculate how much milk she should be taking in per feeding according to her weight, and also told us that once she has returned to birth weight, we can stop waking her at night if we want and let her self wake to nurse (allowing us a little more sleep potentially). Overall, the visit was calming, reaffirming and left me feeling like I had a plan of action that would make things easier for us.

The next day we got in to see the ENT. He confirmed that Alchemy did have a minor and hard to see tongue tie, her frenulum being far back as it should be, but short and thick. The procedure they use to fix it is to numb it and cut it, releasing the tongue to move better. This of course sounds horrible and there was no way I could hold her steady for it even though I wanted to still be in the room, so two kind nurses held her and in 30 seconds, snip. She cried but stopped bleeding pretty quickly and was sucking on my finger for comfort immediately. He checked her twice more to make sure all was well, then sent us home, letting us know that while it may take her a week or so to relearn how to suck correctly, we should see a great improvement. Hallelujah.

Of course, there are still sore nipples to deal with, so I am still using the shields while we get them healed and then should see an improvement in her nursing better with me not being injured anymore. I got an awesome prescription nipple ointment made this morning that should help them heal well faster, so I have my fingers crossed. The last two days she has switched up the game on us and instead of eating then sleeping soundly for a while, she is eating, then screaming and fussing while being gassy before begging to eat again... and repeat. We have gotten very little sleep. At the pharmacy I found gas relieving drops and something called Gripe Water they say works great for indigestion and hiccups. We are going to see if those help and also have me off dairy for a couple of days to see if there is a change to end all this constant crying. (perhaps this will fix our headaches and exhaustion)


I saw the doctor this morning who said I am healing well, took off my steristrips and told me to take it easy but that all looks good. I have another follow up in early November to make sure everything healed perfectly. While at the doc they weighed me as usual, I almost fell off the scale in shock. I have lost 20 pounds since her birth- most of it probably being her and the placenta, but it's crazy that I am only 6 pounds heavier than my pre birth weight right now, and that is probably mostly my big milky boobs. Hopefully this means I should have a quick recovery back to my regular clothing, perhaps by January.

Getting closer to the weekend, I am looking forward to small moments of baby included happiness- Sunshine Gardens is having their plant sale for Fall/Winter plants that I am hoping we can get so that we have some plants in for this season. Our poor garden has taken a huge hit both from the summer heat and us being busy with work and the baby arriving, yet once life calms down a bit, I think we will be happy to have a fall harvest going again. Sunday there is a free musical performance in a local park that we could go to if we are up to it just to get out in the world for a bit. I am looking forward to being more healed just so we can get out more, I am a bit stir crazy always being home and mostly in bed.

Location:Austin, TX

Give and Take

I have been thinking a lot today about how being a mom makes me think back so much to my childhood. Going through this new experience with my mom at my side, I get to hear how things were for her when I was born and she was taking care of me. More than once this week I have said "oh man, I am so sorry mom.." in response to some story of a hard time she went through with me (my many weeks of colic) or feel even more blessed by her help when I hear those very stories and how she went through it all alone with no help.

It brings me to the give and take of things. When we are children, our whole world is take- we have nightmares and wake our parents in the night, hoping for comfort when we try to fall back to sleep, never once realizing the sleep they lose to comfort us or the jobs they are going to the next day. We end up sick and spend nights crying as they once again go sleepless as they rub our chests with Vicks Vapo-rub and bring us glasses of water. Never mind those awesome nights where you pee or poo the bed and never have to worry about the laundry the next day. Children depend on parents to feel safe, loved and well taken care of and their strong dependency on parents is more exhausting that I have ever even realized till now.

Now that I am in the early days of parenting, going on small hours of sleep if I am lucky, being a personal feeding system and changing more diapers than I thought one little person could mess up, I realize just how much of ones self a mother or parent gives to a child, and I have only been at it for short of 2 weeks. I can't even imagine what it will be like once she is older, when my ability to control her universe slowly unravels and she can walk, run, jump off high places and break bones, goes to school, etc..and thrills and scares me with every move she makes. (but no sense in going down that anxiety road now, I will walk it when I have to)

Yet, through all that take, there is give as well. Each minute that passes as I sit and mourn sleep lost, I also smile as I look at all the cute faces she makes in her sleep. I examine each tiny dimple in her skin, the creases of her fingers and am amazed that such perfection and beauty came from me. Her little ears are works of art, her hair like maple syrup & honey mixed. She fills my heart with absolute delight and more love that I could imagine each day- I told Grant that everyday I love her a little bit more, while feeling like I couldn't possibly love her more than I already do. They give back by filing our hearts with love each day.

Then one day, they grow up like I have and they have one of their own. Then they still take like I am right now by leaning so heavily on my mother for help, costing her more precious sleep like I did as a baby. Yet, once again, I can tell I have also given her something- the same precious bundle of love that delights me puts a smile on my mother's face too- and the cycle of give and take continues.

Location:Austin, TX

Morphing Mind and Body

Every time I look in the mirror, I am surprised by my reflection. Where once I had a beautiful big belly, I now have..something foreign to me. I miss my pregnant belly and I barely remember what I looked like before pregnancy. I took so much care during it to keep from getting stretch marks- I had the perfect belly, until now.





Now, I am amazed at how thin I already am. True, I still have a bit more belly than I normally would have, but it seems to lessen each day. Unfortunately, I didn't know that I was allergic to adhesives, but I will never forget again. When the day came in the hospital to take my shower and get my bandages wet to be removed, I noticed a rash all over my stomach where the big surgical guard was and when we removed the bandage to finally see my incision, I had blisters everywhere the adhesive tape was touching. So now, my stomach looks like a Frankenstein-stomach. The rash is healing with time and cortisone, but is still dark discoloring to my skin that I hope will fade. The blisters are bursting and healing slowly as well. Even though I have used adhesive remover several times since, there are still sticky places on my body. My incision seems to be healing well from what I can tell, hopefully when all is said and done, it will be my only scar and once healed may not look like much.







When I wonder where my belly went and how I changed so much, I just look down at my gorgeous daughter and remember- these are my wounds of honor for being blessed with her.

Location:Austin, TX

Give up to Grace.

Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
'til it gets to shore.
You need more help than you know.
-Rumi-


A friend of mine shared out this quote the other day and when I read it, it very much resonated with me for a variety of reasons.

Today, Alchemy Grace DiMucci Potts is one week old. It has been a pretty hectic and beautiful past week filled with fun new adventures, moments of absolute contentment & joy, moments of anxiety and tears and occasionally, a quiet moment of sleep or two.







One of our first photos of her, with all that gorgeous golden brown hair.

"Give up to (Alchemy) Grace" has often been a theme of our short week and even birth experience together. I had that huge perfect dream plan for a natural birth, for being able to keep my placenta for encapsulation etc... and due to the inability to convince her to turn in the womb (we are still unsure if they saw any reason other than size & shape of my womb) she stayed perfectly seated snug and upright awaiting her birth, causing the need for a cesarean section.

I was a hot mess at times about that surgery in the week before it- going from peaceful and accepting of it to panicked and in mourning about it. The night before I shed many tears but mostly tried to get mentally prepared and get sleep. Morning of, I found myself nervous on the inside but in a weird state of calm about it all once we were at the hospital. Prep for surgery felt like it was both speedy and too long. I hated being separated from my mother and midwife C who had to both wait in the waiting room. Grant got to sit with me as we both prepared for the surgery. Next hard part- the spinal anesthesia. Now let me say, thank the Gods for it, because you wouldn't of course want the surgery without it. Unfortunately, they had a nurse in the department who was training under the anesthesia doc put my spinal in. Not sure if she was just struggling or what, but I am relatively sure she poked me in the spine with that needle about 5-6 times. I am still bruised from it. That was a pretty scary experience- having to hunch my body over and keep still while nervous and freezing cold in the operating room while someone sticks you in the spine several times. Probably had more anxiety at that point than in the surgery at any point. Once that was finally in, all was better.

Just like "the ocean takes care of each wave 'til it gets to shore" I gave into the wave of numb- it felt like someone poured hot whiskey in me from my toes up. After that, things flew by. We entered the OR at 9:43 before that spinal, my guess is they had me set up and ready by 10, finally letting Grant in to sit at my side and hold my hand. One postal service song from my iPod later, they said "Is that a shoulder!?" to which I replied "it better not be!!!" we all laughed but it was then announced that no, it was a butt. I can thankfully see and feel nothing but this alien tugging feeling- I know with my logical mind that I probably look a frightening mess on the other side of the blue curtain and that two folks have their hands in me, I mostly just stayed calm and focused on the soon to be arrival of my girl. Didn't have to wait long- at 10:19 after some abdomen pressure of them pushing her out of her ready made door, they announced "Nicole, look at you little girl!" and over the top of the curtain appeared the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Nothing mattered at that point or again since.

A few short minutes later Grant and the nicely blanketed baby were at my shoulder for a much closer look at her beautiful face before they continued to the nursery while I finished getting sewn up and ready for Recovery room time. Shore was reached, thanks ocean.






Me and Alchemy a day or two after birth in the hospital.






Grant spending time with us one morning on the way to work.


I could keep telling this story sequentially, but I'd probably bore you to tears if you aren't already. Let's move to the last part of the quote- "you need more help than you know."

Amen to that. I still don't have a clue how much help I actually need and I have received plenty of it and hope to receive plenty more. Things that I thought should be easy were hard- breastfeeding is still a difficult but rewarding adventure, although we are both getting it down more, working with our obstacles and feeding well. Sleep is...precious and scarce. In the last night or so, Grant and I reached a good trade off cycle of sleep with each other where he would sleep while I nursed or didn't need his immediate help, and then if I couldn't get her settled after a feeding or was not able to get her diaper changed without much pain, he would wake and take care of that and calming her to sleep (sometimes downstairs) so I could get some sleep too. Last night I tried something a bit different- after feeding I just let her sleep on my chest. She was happy, I was happy and we both got a couple of hours of sleep. Help is needed for everything, not only in baby care but definitely because of the surgery recovery. I hate having to take so much pain medication to the point where at times I feel overly zonked and super emotional. I am dealing with the emotional hormone dump after birth already, so tears are easy to come by even though I am super happy. Just getting out of bed to care for myself needed assistance. Today I am doing better, moving around and able to get up although still confined to the upstairs a bit longer. I'm not sure what I would do without all the support my mom and Grant have given me- they have been life savers.







My mom taking care of Alchemy and giving me some down time.

I am not sure if there is an expiration date on asking for help in this, but I damn sure couldn't do this alone. I firmly believe in villages raising a child, so I am taking help from lots of sources, but sometimes those sources contradict each other, leaving me in a cloud of self doubt about my abilities as a new mom and in tears. Grant keeps reassuring me that I am the mom and authority on what happens for Alchemy and that I get to make the decisions to follow or not follow any advice I am given and should go with what I think or know is best for her.

Still, it takes time, and its only been one week.







Alchemy, home and happy- 5 days old.

Location: Austin, TX

Transitions

Almost 11 p.m., and as I lay in bed, my thoughts tonight are of the odd transition space I am in. Although many parts of my life will bleed over into each other and much will stay the same, after tomorrow, a lot more will never be the same again.

I have things to say good bye to, at least for now:

Pregnancy- I have really loved being pregnant in a way that has often been hard for me to explain. Even in the all day sickness weeks I knew those moments would pass and that they were powerful because I was creating my masterpiece. Sure, I got aches and pains. I lost a good chunk of sleep. In these last few days my feet have gotten more swollen. If these are the worst that could happen that don't even begin to match all the joys I have had.

I remember at exactly 20 weeks going with Grant and B to Eeyore's Birthday. After that hot trek of fun, we changed and went to Pourhouse Pub, where for the very first time I felt Alchemy move.

The joy of watching my body slowly change in miraculous ways I never thought it could- the change in my breasts and stomach as they shifted and stretched to support my ever growing baby. I am in love with my beautiful belly- part of me is going to miss it but I know that I just get a new version of my old stomach back, and I barely remember what that looks or feels like now, so it will be new to me again.

Of course, there are things I won't miss as much:

Needing to pee every two hours each night has been less annoying from the peeing standpoint, but more annoying as I get bigger and have a harder time getting out of bed.
Sleeping with 6 pillows to support every inch of me, especially the heavy belly. Having to sleep upright because my ribs hurt so bad for a while she was still high in my body.
The acid reflux. I should have stock in Tums.

Tomorrow morning in the semi-dark and early, I will get up, wish for tea & breakfast I can't have and then make my way to the hospital to prepare for everything new-

Things I am scared/nervous about:
The surgery itself. Even though its a common one that is done (far too) often, it's still scary for me since it's the most major surgery I have ever had.
Not being able to get the hospital to work with our wishes for our daughter.

On the other side of that coin are the things I feel very excited and empowered around:

Seeing my daughter's face for the first time & knowing that even though I am not birthing her as I wished that I am still birthing her from my powerful strong body that created her, housed her and nourished her these past 10 months.
Being able to breast feed and continue to be her source of life and nourishment.
Getting to bond with her and Grant so we can smell her, hold her, kiss her little toes and be amazed by the new life we have made.
Watching Grant's face light up like I have potentially never seen it before the minute he meets her and falls completely in love with her.
Having my mom and our midwife Charlotte with us to support us through the birth and the following days.

Finally fully being the mom I have always wanted to be.

I have felt like a mom since the moment I knew I was pregnant. Every choice I have made since that day has been for the best of my daughter, whether it be what I chose to eat, drink, do for exercise, how much rest I got, what vitamins and nourishment I put in my body, how I took care of us medically, even the choices I made around the birth we hoped to have for her, and those I am making now to make sure she arrives here safely. Tomorrow it all gets so much more real- she goes from being my little "gut monkey" to my external nugget of joy. All the ease and comfort my body has provided her will change- now I have to learn to understand and communicate with her, care for her every minute, and grow with her.

I feel extremely grateful for all the support we have around us from friends and family. Already people are stepping up and offering Grant and I help for these tough transitional days ahead as we are settling in to being parents. My mom will be here for a couple of weeks to help me recover from surgery and care for Alchemy. Friends are beginning to sign up for days to bring us tasty food so we don't waste away here as we put all our energy into her. I have received more clothing and baby stuff from generous friends who have kids that have outgrown them than I can believe, saving us more money than I can even imagine at a time when we have less coming in than we used to. Beyond that- many people are sending us love, magick, prayer and good thoughts both for tomorrow and in general which has me feeling blessed and more at peace with this all in a time when I have been very emotional around it all.

My love to you all who read this- please send us good energy and prayers tomorrow as we welcome Alchemy Grace DiMucci Potts into the world.

Location: Austin, TX

Unfinished to do lists

This morning I woke up with great intentions. Grant too had big plans for his day. He intended to get to the garden this morning, but unfortunately had a long night of insomnia and came back to bed at about the time he originally planned to garden. Once he was up again and ready to leave, it was too hot, so that sacked the morning gardening plans for him.

I made a to-do list full of errands and a variety of things to clean. Dear friend E came over to be my help and my mom decided to come out a day earlier to assist as well. E arrived, I got myself together and finally we ran a shopping errand, grabbed food and came home. At that point, my mom arrived so we all sat down to eat, and a few minutes later another friend M arrived with her daughter and a bunch of clothes for Alchemy. What a house full of fun! We all sat around and visited for quite a while- me checking out the cute baby clothes with M while E played with the baby since it was her first time meeting her. An hour or so later, the good friends left and mom, Grant and I ate dinner and visited more with each other. Suddenly we look up and it is 11 p.m., so now we are all in our beds winding down from the day.

I didn't get even half the list done. Sure, we did the laundry which is awesome. My bag for the hospital is half packed which won't be too hard to finish tomorrow. Some things just may not get done- the studio may not be perfectly spotless after all and the upstairs may have to get vacuumed while I am at the hospital this week. The nesting instinct in me is high enough to be annoyed by the little things, but the rest of me needed just what I got today- some good supportive emotional time with my friends and family to prepare me for her birth on Monday. At this exact moment of writing I feel better about it. I spoke to my midwife today for a while by phone- she is going to go with us on Monday and be there for the birth, which makes me feel much better supported. Having my mom here with me helps a lot. Tomorrow morning I may be crying again, but that just comes with the emotional flow of things right now so I try to just go with it.

Already in my head I have a tiny to-do list going for tomorrow- grocery shopping in the a.m. with mom, making a big batch of chicken soup and hopefully lots of down time maybe hanging out watching a movie in bed. I have been ordered by our midwife to get mostly rest and good emotional time with Grant and the baby tomorrow before our big day on Monday.

Before I know it, my sweet girl will be here, I am so excited to meet her.

Location:Austin TX

Almost time

It's crazy to me that it feels like it was just yesterday Grant and I were on our honeymoon dreaming of our future together, imagining & hoping for kids.
It's something we have always both wanted in our lives- when we met almost 5 years ago, not much time passed before we found ourselves talking about our desires for kids. Both of us had been in previous relationships where for whatever reason kids weren't possible.

When I went to Portland to move Grant to Texas, I remember several moments of being together even that early in our relationship and sharing moments of delight and longing for kids together- two friends along our journey had children we had the opportunity to delight in. We found ourselves seeking shelter from the heat in an Arizona bookstore where I wandered into the baby & children's section, happily exploring all the cute things I would want for a baby one day, with Grant looking on smiling at me. Later in our trip we found ourselves up late one night talking about our hopes for children in our lives one day.



(Grant and I in Arizona on our trip together to Texas from Oregon.)

Fast forward 3 years to our honeymoon. After many months of working with my body in attempt to deal with potential fertility issues, as we played with the beautiful daughter & adorable son of other dear friends, I sat wondering if I would ever be able to conceive, not even realizing at the time that I already had on our wedding night. Little suspicious hints appeared on that trip, and by the time we returned to Texas, I found myself testing for pregnancy, to which I received a negative answer. (turns out it was too soon to detect) Being the stubborn woman I am, I didn't believe it, and tried again two weeks later. I received not one, but 4 positive tests then. (still stubborn, but now in wonder and disbelief!)

Never have I been so happy to say the words "honey, I have something to tell you" when Grant walked in the door.

It feels like that wonderful January 15th afternoon was just yesterday, yet now I find myself round and full of life, waiting for a new date right around the corner where we will finally meet our beautiful daughter. I have my moments of getting emotionally hung up on the birthing process not being what I was hoping for, but mostly I am just very excited to finally see her, smell her, hold her in my arms and kiss her little toes.

Soon, our Alchemy Grace will be here.

Location:Austin, TX

Ready or not

I am trying to make it a habit to post daily to this blog, even at moments like right now when I don't feel like it at all.

I don't like today very much at the moment, although it's been a perfectly good day and I am mostly having an emotional reaction to a day that hasn't
even arrived yet.

The morning started with tea x2 and a good breakfast of eggs and an English muffin to the open windows, but that was short lived due to the immense amount of smoke smell coming in. It began to make sense why I had a headache all night while I was attempting to sleep and woke with it as well. Windows shut and a/c back on, the morning continued less painfully.

Mid afternoon I picked Grant up from work and we went to meet our new OBGYN. Had a quick picnic lunch in the parking lot in our car before going in to fill out a very short set of new patient paperwork in a waiting room that was actually kid friendly (good sign). Got called back on time and met the Dr., who we liked very much. Talked a lot about where things were with Alchemy at the moment, and what our plan for her birth would be. Honestly, she made this cesarean section sound like a piece of celebratory birthday cake for our little one while being super honest and open to hearing my questions and concerns. All this is great, but I still feel completely unprepared mentally & emotionally for the fact that this is a reality. A reality I very well may experience in the next several days- it's the doctor's hope at this time to get me scheduled with the hospital to birth on Monday.

While Grant has reached a new stage of excitement that she will be here in a few days and this all finally feels more real to him, I have reached a weird numb slightly terrified space of realizing that I only have a few short days left to prepare both for her arrival and for this surgery that I still don't want. I thought I was doing better emotionally with it until about 20 minutes ago. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more stable with it once we have the actual delivery time set up and the plan more finalized.

I couldn't even think about making dinner when we got home, so I took us out for Thai at our favorite Thai place. Had the same soup I ate on our wedding night thinking it seemed appropriate as my last Thai meal before the birth. (we conceived her after that yummy post wedding dinner)

Watered our garden after dinner, then ran an errand to the library to check out some books. Came home to find a garbage pail on our doorstep. While this would be odd to most folks, for us it was exciting since it was our first diaper delivery from our diaper service! One big pail, a bag, 3 waterproof covers, a snappi and 90 newborn cloth diapers all here and ready to go.

Now, I just have to get ready too.

I have a list of things in mind that still need to be done that feels overwhelming at the moment, especially since Grant is putting in so much work time trying to buy more time to spend with me in the weeks that come. Part of me feels stressed by all that I need to get done this weekend in preparation, and part of me wonders if the prep would be best to keep my mind off the upcoming surgery. We shall see.

Location:Austin, TX

Adventures on a Tuesday

Today has been a pretty good day.

It started with a slow and gentle waking to the cool breeze and brightening sky, songs of birds and sounds of cars filtering in through our open bedroom window. Hopped up and came downstairs to tea and some breakfast with my love before he headed out to the bus.

Off I went a short while later to the La Leche League meeting near us that Grant calls "The Milk Bar." When I last went a couple of months ago, there was hardly anyone there. Today I walked in at about 10 minutes after it started to find 16 moms present with babies! As usual, when a new person arrives, they have you introduce yourself to the group and check in with you on why you have come. So, I told them who I was and when I was due. They asked where I planned to birth, to which I replied "Well.... my plan and reality are currently not the same..." and filled them in on my situation with Alchemy. Boy am I glad I went today. Not only did I meet many moms who were very reassuring about their Cesarean experience, but I met several in that room who had used the same OB I will be meeting tomorrow and LOVE her. They spoke very highly of their experience with her even when they needed surgery as well. I like what I heard and am more hopeful that tomorrow we will walk out of her office feeling much more natural birth supported in our Cesarean if that is the path we have to take.


Left there and decided to stop quickly at the bead shop for new clasps so I could fix a piece of jewelry or two, and hoped for a bagel, but the bagel shop was oddly closed. Oh well. Onward towards home where I spoke with my mom for about an hour while making and eating a very yummy lunch. Shortly after, I was sleepy-ish so I took a small nap that got interrupted several times- ended up being more of a short laying sideways than a short nap, but that works.

Now- feeling less groggy and a little more with it, I am adventuring in cookie land. About a week ago, Grant very sweetly made me a batch of cookies since I had been craving something tasty and he wanted to keep me away from crack-filled store bought cookies. So, I bought things I liked in an oatmeal cookie and he found a good recipe- slightly crispy, slightly soft. What came out of it was the most orgasmically yummy oatmeal cookie I have had, maybe ever. He was worried our cookies would go bad and sit too long. We ate them in two days.

Today I decided that I would recreate the amazing, but of course Grant tells me that he altered the recipe. "Oh great, how will I duplicate it!? Did you write it down?" "No. I didn't even measure" he tells me. I gave him my "Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?" face. He laughed. FINE. I can do this myself and make these cookies Nicole style. So today, I attacked said recipe, altering it much like he did- "whip the hell out of the butter" he tells me. No chilling the dough. I put more butterscotch chips that he did, but that's because I love them. I didn't measure the raisins though, Grant would be proud. Parchment paper? Heck no, we use butter. My cookies are smaller, almost bite sized- making me feel less guilty when I eat 4 of them without blinking. Less chewy, more crunchy which I like. All in all, a cookie success!! Now, I have to remember to eat dinner tonight and not just have cookies.

This is the recipe- we altered it a bit, but I think that is the fun of it. If you love oatmeal cookies, try these!
http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/02/thick-chewy-oatmeal-raisin-cookies/#comment-896095

In other news, I am realizing several small things bring happiness to me today beyond just the great weather and awesome cookies. Thought I'd share them with you.

 The beautiful card my mom sent me today in honor of me becoming a mother. Inside it talks about how I am the greatest thing she has ever made. Love my mom, she is the best ever.

 I am not sure why I have hesitated picking this off the shelf for so long. I am loving this book so far, very amusing.

 I work best when organized, and even though I am not "working" in the traditional sense, I do love having one book to write down my to-do's, appointments and hopefully my future henna sessions. At very least, it will be filled with pediatrician appointments. :)

 I am in love with my double insulated Klean Kanteen. I bought it originally to use for my bus rides with hot tea when I was working and I couldn't get over how hot it kept my tea- for at very least 5 hours it still steamed. Recently I have been using it for ice water or iced rasberry leaf tea and have been amazed at the never melting ice and the steam- that comes from my hot breath hitting the extremely cold liquid inside as I go to drink. Whoever designed this thing is a genius and Wheatsville Co-op sells them. I am also in love with that Mac Trackpad we got for the computer when we upgraded to Lion. I hated our mouse, this thing is a Godsend.

 My altar is looking pretty-filled with lots of coming baby mojo. Every possible birth helping spirit or deity I am aware of is being honored on there. I am fast running out of room and feel like it's turning into a bit of an altar collage, but I like that. Feels like a big magickal art piece.

 Our Ganesha altar has been getting lots of love this week- he usually gets love, but since it's his birthday Chathurthi week, we are giving him lots more love. I just shared my cookies with him.

And last- these cute little glasses bought with the intent of being little wine glasses. Grant likes his red one so much he has been drinking pretty much everything out of it. Eventually, these will take over where our other inferior wine glasses leave off.

Now, to enjoy the sunset and the rest of the evening before I pick up my love from his late class tonight. Because I love him, I will bring him a cookie. 

Testing testing...123

Discovered the hard way that it is impossible to use Blogger with an IPad causing me to grump about the potential to drop the ball on my daily post.

Thankfully, I married a genius, who knew that there must be an IPad app that would allow me to do so.

Success, an app is downloaded, but now I must try it to see if it works, hence this post. If it does I will at least be more able to keep up with writing/posting from the comfort of my bed once Alchemy arrives.

Sunset Ponderings & the Suspension of Disbelief

Today was a beautiful day- woke up to tea with Grant ever so briefly before he ran out to be productive at our garden. The summer heat has taken a toll on the garden, killing off most all of our Spring plantings. Weeds took over, bermuda grass ran rampant and the tomatoes, peppers and pretty much everything else slowly gave up the ghost to the 100+ heat. We expected this and thought it best not to waste water in the fight to keep it alive, but our garden zone manager contacted us anyways to make sure that we hadn't forgotten about our garden, most likely because it looked so bad! Grant has spent much time in the past few weeks trying to get it all straightened out, and today's cooler weather was the perfect time to finish up the clearing. I thought about taking a walk earlier in the day to go over and see it, but waited till close to sunset and finally we walked over together. As we walked there, I looked at the sun setting and thought "Wow, what a beautiful rich red the sky is around the setting sun." Then upon further glance, realized that what was aiding such a gorgeous sunset was actually the smoke in the sky from distant wildfires.

It was good to see the garden again after so long. It has been so hot I have been avoiding spending any time there since the last time I went for an hour or so in my 2nd trimester to put work time in- that day even drinking lots of water I ended up overheated and dehydrated which for me equaled sick for the rest of the day- after that I no longer wanted to take any chances with the heat. Our garden plot is pretty empty again- only a few herbs and plants remain alive and growing, although I know under our soil lies the dormant root systems of so many plants that will return with the cooler wetter weather to come. Just a reminder that everything has it's season and cycle. The walk in the cool breeze of the garden made it feel like Fall- I don't trust the weather enough to believe that this cool air will last much beyond this week and fear that next week we will find ourselves in 100+ degree weather again, but I try to set that thought aside and just enjoy this moment now, the cool breeze on my face as I walk along ever so slowly and front heavy.

Lately it seems my whole life is about the suspension of disbelief and the remainder of hope and peaceful acceptance of what will be.

Once home, we immediately opened our windows to allow the cool evening breeze in- Oscar was very excited to go sniff out what was happening outside.  Even if this weather doesn't stick very long, I know that within the next two weeks Alchemy will arrive, and soon enough the weather will cool just in time for she and I to take small walks together- that keeps me hopeful and happy.

Burning Heart

Tonight as I sit safely in my home, hundreds of people in areas all around my city are losing theirs to horrendous wild fires. North of Austin, South of Austin, to its east- fires are burning out of control, the worst seemingly in Bastrop- a place near and dear to my heart.

Many friends who live in these varying areas have evacuated the homes. Many people (none whom I know that I am aware of) have lost everything- their homes, their pets. Our Austin shelters are trying to take in as many evacuated pets as possible and are on the search for foster homes at this midnight hour. A variety of shelters are being opened up to the residents of these areas to stay the night at very least.

I worry for these folks, my thoughts are with them & yet my sadness is for the land, most especially in Bastrop. Selfishly, I shed a tear thinking that less than a year ago, Grant and I were married in Bastrop, not in the state park as we had originally hoped and scheduled, but in the adjacent park of LCRA Bastrop Lake Park, which was just as beautiful to behold and held such wonderful energy for us on such an auspicious day. Tonight I sit holding my rounded belly, sad that I may not be able to take my daughter to see the space where her father and I got married or to hike the trails we love so much in the Bastrop State Park there. Of the 6,500 acres of Lost Pines there, at this moment it is reported that 3,000 have burned, and the fire still blazes. This one place of pine forest in Texas may by the time the sun rises be gone, and it breaks my heart.

We have a distinct lack of the water element in Texas right now, this drought and the immense heat we have seen this summer (record breaking days over 100+ degrees in Austin) not helping the wildfire situation be easy to control. No rain comes our way as much as we need it. Strong winds blow our way today from a near by tropical storm, Air element spreading the fires that much faster.
All the ash will return to Earth, but the only Water that may be shed will come from fire hoses and tears.

The only fire here is those contained in candles on my altars- they have had much to burn for these past weeks.

Great Work-in-progress

Visit yesterday with the midwives was a good one. I got to see Charlotte, one of my favorite midwives who I haven't seen since January for an appt. Updated her on all the hoops Alchemy and I have been jumping through together and did another ultrasound. She looks awesomely healthy, has a gorgeous big round head and is still firmly and happily seated in my pelvis. If there had to be a midwife to tell me she thought the kid wouldn't budge, I am glad it was Charlotte.

So, swallowed that news minus the Mary Poppins spoon full of sugar, but still with hope that a miracle could occur and Alchemy would flip any day now. They referred me to an OBGYN that they work with all the time in situations such as these- she is very good and very natural birth minded, delivers tons of natural birth babies in a hospital setting, and her entire staff is made up of nurse midwives. If I have to go through a scheduled cesarean birth, I'd rather it be with a staff like that. We have an appointment set up to meet them next Wednesday. Grant suspects that once we get in there and get the ball rolling, they may want to schedule us pretty soon after that. It's crazy to me to imagine that a week from now I could find myself with my beautiful girl in my arms. She technically isn't due for 2 weeks- I am exactly 38 weeks today, but there is no telling when they will want to schedule for in order to prevent a possible emergency cesarean birth, which technically could happen any day now (or moment for that matter) anyways.

Is this what I was hoping for? No. Is this in any way ideal? No. All in all, will it matter a single bit once she is here in our lives? Also- No.

I have the good fortune to have a (new) friend who is also a midwife and spiritually minded person who I reached out to today to get her thoughts on all this- she shared something with me that was told to her by a midwife who trained her many years ago. She said that in a similar situation to mine, she was worrying that they could have done something different or more to help the mom & baby get the natural birth they had hoped for, and her mentor said:

"We get awfully focused on our lives at times, so much so that we don't realize that we are more intertwined than we think. It is not just that mama's karma which brought her here, but the baby's karma as well. And beyond that the daddy's karma, and the karma of all four grandparents. This child is a culmination of many paths that came together to form this tiny being. Who are we to say we know the karma of any of them."

That put things into perspective for me quite a bit- this is not my journey alone, but Alchemy's. As much as the birth is part of my journey, it really is the very first steps of her long life journey in this world and she has to choose the path that is right for her. 31 years ago, I chose to show up super early through an emergency cesarean weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces and needing hospitalization for 6 weeks after- none must have been easy on my parents, but here I am sitting soundly, happily, healthily telling you about it.

Also, through this pregnancy I have thought a lot about seeking out either Doula or Midwifery training as a potential option career-wise in the future. When I thought about all this, I realized that what I wish my midwives could do most for me is help me adjust to the possibility of a non-natural birth emotionally and mentally right now, but they are so set in the natural birth mind that many of them just have no words of comfort for me here. Many of my midwives are not mothers, and those that are birthed naturally. If I have to do this through surgery, I can still birth the next naturally and how much stronger of a support would I be to a mother if I can tell her that I have been in both pairs of shoes and understand the situation that much more. (YAY for finding a bit more silver lining in this cloud)

So, tonight after an excellent time with friends over dinner I am winding down- feeling lots of movement from Alchemy and getting more excited about the possibility of meeting her soon, holding her in my arms, bonding with her, smelling and kissing her head and finally feeling the completion of this wonderful journey I have been on. She's my Great Work-in-progress.

Removing the obstacles, opening for the new.

My friend J just shared this out and as I sat watching, I couldn't help but desire to get a hold of lots of marigolds so I can do proper puja here at our home altar for Ganesha- but beyond that, I really desire to find a local temple where there may be celebration that I can visit. Ganesha and I have a good relationship, and if there is any time where I need his wisdom, joy and removal of obstacles, now would be it.

This morning as I drink my tea in prep for the busy day ahead, I think about the prepping that goes beyond this day to get us ready for Alchemy's arrival. Some would call this the "nesting" period, but for me its a bit beyond nesting a more stressing in some cases. While we have done a ton of basic stuff to prepare, it still feels like there is so much to do while I recognize that my time may be limited and that my body is not able to do all it could before. We measured the windows for curtains today- I have hope that we will at least be able to buy some for our bedroom where the baby and I will rest quite a bit in the first days. It's funny to think that after 2 years of living here, we have never gotten curtains, but that also makes me think about catalysts for action. Before now, while we would have loved curtains, they were not nearly as important to us as they are at this moment, so now we act. When I think about my life, I recognize that I have been in constant action towards this one goal for many years- my early desire to put my life in a place where I could have a baby shifted everything for me when I was 25. Now at 31, she is almost here. I don't regret a single day that has gone by, or a single hard moment I lived through or decision I have made that has gotten me to this exact place. I feel supremely blessed to be in this exact moment knowing that amazing beautiful days beyond this one are about to unfold with me, and my family will expand with my heart and love. I can't wait to share the days with not only Grant by also Alchemy.

Even as I think about the beauty in all that, I still recognize the little tasks that need doing- omigods, how am I possibly going to get the bathroom as clean as I need it to be? My mom thankfully is coming to stay with me for a while, but the usual prep of my art/guest room will not be sufficient to house her for longer term, so I need to get that ready as well. My brain is trying to find a way to balance the to-do list I create with the desire to stop, be still and rest- knowing that these are my final days to get that really deep sleep, to sit in the quiet before my whole world as I know it changes- for the good, but changes none the less.

Maybe Ganesha will bless me with someone who likes to clean and organize houses!

Pineapple Rice adventures

Tonight Grant and I will be attending a dinner potluck at our friend's house. We love hanging out with S & M, so we are extremely glad to be joining them and meeting their other friends P & H.

Originally when I heard this was a potluck dinner I got excited- I love making food and sharing it out. Then I was told that H is vegan, so I needed/should make something vegan friendly. No problem, I'm not vegan so its a bit more tricky for me, but I am sure I can find something good. Happened to have a package of Seitan in my fridge, so I went on a search on my favorite recipe blog (http://www.101cookbooks.com/) for something good, and what I found was a recipe for Pineapple Rice. (http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/pineapple-rice-recipe.html)

Looked at the ingredients and I had pretty much everything I needed to make it already on hand with the exception of a very few things. One glitch in the matrix- it calls for brown rice. This isn't hard for your average bear, but I only started cooking with brown rice for the first time this week when I made the Spanish Rice Casserole (amazing!!) a few nights ago. Having never had to just cook a batch of brown rice, I was a bit intimidated. Thank gods for Google. Looked up instructions, kinda blended the two I found and wa-la, cooked brown rice to let cool. Only thing I am slightly concerned about it the mushiness of the rice- I hate when brown rice is too hard still, but this rice ended up very soft, I think next time I will lessen the water and cook time by just a bit to try to get it perfect.

Fast forward a couple of hours and with a bit of blending, chopping, sauteing and stirring, I now have a giant pot of Pineapple Rice, extra dressing/sauce in a jar to be heated for when we serve it, and the toppings. It tastes good, but is still a bit mushy. Hopefully everyone will be so happy with the taste that they will excuse the mush-factor. If not, we may all be walking to the nearest vegan friendly restaurant for dinner.