What a wonderful wonderful year.

I have to say- 2011 was an absolutely fabulous year. A year ago today, Grant and I spent a wonderful time hanging out with several of our dear friends in Portland Oregon, ringing in the New Year over tasty home made sauerkraut and amazing lemon cake and plenty of wine & laughter. Grant and I called it quits early in the night and went back to our friend's to crash because I was so tired, missing midnight entirely as we prepared for the flight home the next day. Little did I know then, all that tiredness was the very early warning signs of being pregnant! I spent most of my honeymoon thinking about our recent wedding and desire to try for a baby in the coming 2011 year, not realizing I had succeeded in getting pregnant on our wedding night. January 15th- many tests confirmed that my dreams had come true- I was pregnant!

What followed was a very beautiful year including:

The last semester of my 3rd year at Citizen Schools & the joyful graduation of the students I had taught for 3 years as they headed off to high school, but also the sadness of closing down our program in Austin.

10 wonderful, beautiful months of pregnancy- each day bringing a new experience and sometimes a new challenge as I discovered how amazing my body truly is. I have never felt more in sync with my body as I did during pregnancy- feeling my little girl grow in me was absolutely mind blowing at times & miraculous. After all those months, finally she was born on Sept 12- each day since has been an absolute blessing. She is now 15 weeks old and growing so quickly!


Grant and I celebrated our one year anniversary a couple of weeks ago- it has been such a wonderful first year of our marriage- I am so grateful to him for being such a supportive and loving husband & best friend- & an amazing father to Alchemy.


We have spent the past 2 weeks working very hard in our house to rearrange and deep clean everything in the hopes of resetting up everything in a more family/baby-friendly way. It has been hard work, but by the time our guests arrived for New Year's we were mostly done. There are still some finishing touches that need to be taken care of, art to hang etc.. but I am very very satisfied with how it has turned out. The whole place has a much warmer feel to it & our bedroom with the addition of the crib set up has become very family oriented, which feels wonderful.

The photo challenge has been really great to be a part of and very challenging for me technically- I feel like I have gotten some good shots and some that I would have done differently. It has been good using my camera every day. I am hoping beyond this 30 day challenge I will continue to try to take a new shot daily. A friend and I want to create our own lists and keep it going- I hope we will.

30 Day Photo Challenge

7 minutes to go before midnight and the New Year- I am happy to be here with my daughter asleep in my lap, my husband and a friend of ours hanging out in the living room behind me over stout beers and good conversation. Gone are the many other friends who stopped by to celebrate with us tonight, the homemade eggnog and mulled wine, the tasty food and the fast pace of the day leading up to our evening celebration. As I approach the new year I hope that it can bring me as much happiness as this past one has. This year Alchemy will turn 1! It feels like just yesterday that I gave birth to her, I can't believe she will be 4 months old in 10 more days.

Perhaps this year I will set some resolutions/intentions for the year to come, but those will take more thought that I can give them after wine, eggnog and the busy day with only 2 minutes left!

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome 2012- may you bring joy and love to us all.

Day 4- Something Green & the Rainy Adventures

Day 4 of the Photography Challenge has arrived with the new theme of "Something Green". To get into the mojo of the day, I pulled my green Docs out of the closet, cleaned them up and gave them some new black with red star laces & tied them on. Got Alchemy dressed warmly and strapped to my chest, grabbed the camera and then out the door we went!

While I could have chosen to shoot indoors on this cold rainy day, I wanted to get out in it. This is some of my favorite weather- the kind where you want to curl up with a hot chocolate and a good book or your knitting kind of weather. With an infant however, I rarely get the time to do than in this weather anymore. Rather than hibernating indoors, I decided to take us out into the drizzly rain and cool air for a walking adventure.

Find something green. No problem. This rainy weather always seems to brighten anything growing around us, especially after so many months of severe drought. The plants soak up the water and just seem to glow. Yesterday while Alchemy and I were outside escaping the heat (yesterday it was 80 to today's 50) and waiting for Grant to come home, we sat at the front of our complex near the driveway where we have a big concrete flower bed and admired what is left of the pretty plants we had not long ago. Several took a pretty hard hit from the freeze last week and are now a withered slimy mess, but I know once spring gets here and it is warm and sunny, those same plants will be back with a vengeance. Poking out in several places amidst intentional plantings in that bed are many little baby Agave plants. When we first moved in to our complex, when needing to direct someone to our place we would tell them to "turn in at the Agave" because we had a ginormous Agave plant in that bed. Then a day came where as I was walking to catch the bus for work, I saw several guys out there digging out our huge Agave, presumably to take to another property they like better, or more likely, to sell since an Agave of that size would go for a good amount. Lame sauce. I managed to rescue one of the baby Agaves and put it in a pot outside my door and have been caring for it since. Now however, several more little baby Agaves have popped back up and are growing very well in that bed. Alchemy and I were admiring one yesterday- noticing how all at once it is both soft and extremely sharp on the tips, and a beautiful grey-green color.

About this time, I noticed that although she and I seemed to be doing fine with the rain, my camera may not like it so much, so I took us back towards our own front door.

One of our guardian Happiness cats greeted us when we arrived. He normally sits in the window staring out and wishing to play outdoors, so I let him out for a while.

He seemed to be extra happy outside, but ever since our Gnome disappeared while out walking one of our Fu dogs, I never trust letting them out for long. (who steals someone's Gnome and only ONE Fu dog?)

Back safely indoors, my eye caught a bit of gator mojo by my altar- beautiful green glass catching the light.

I bought this piece of art a couple of years ago at festival and have really loved it. It brings a cool protective energy to my altar while hanging off the spindly arm of a cactus.

All in all, a fun adventure was had. Now with mist clinging to our eyelashes & hair & dampness in our clothes, Alchemy and I were inside and toasty.

Her finally asleep of course- AFTER I was done shooting. Shooting with a baby attached to the front of you who is wiggly messes with your shots some. It is hard to get my shot with a head bobbing around in front of my screen and the constant worry of shaking, although somehow my steady hand seemed to be able to compensate for her well.

Tomorrow, we get to explore something from a high angle. We will see how that goes.

The 30 Day Photography Challenge

The other day I was hanging out on Pinterest pinning things I thought were neat, when I stumbled upon a list of things called the "30 Day Photography Challenge". Basic idea- pick a start date and each day, using your list as a guide, take a photo and post it.

I have always wanted to do something like this and have often said I would do a "photo a day" project. At one point in a different incarnation of this blog it was a photo-a-day blog, but it didn't last very long because although I had the desire, as happens so often with things I want to do, I lost motivation and let crazy life get in the way. In order to avoid that this time, I decided to get other folks on board with me. I posted the list as a photo to my Facebook and called upon my photo friends from college as well as any other photographer or photo loving friends to join me in it, thereby holding myself accountable to others. 

Day 1 felt hard to me- I have issues these days with self portraits for some reason. I used to be really good at them and took them all the time, especially when I was in school, but ever since I got my new camera, I have felt creatively blocked and technically stupid when I have tried to get a good photo of myself. I struggle when I need to set up my tripod, attempt to focus where I will stand and get the exposure right, set the timer, run like hell... and .... damn, it was blurry. Drives me nuts. I would like to get a remote for my camera if possible, especially a wireless one so that I can at least not do the running part.

Yesterday was such a difficult day with Alchemy being extra fussy, so my ability to get the big camera and tripod working with her fussiness was just not happening. Thankfully, I take pretty good photos with my phone, so I got a shot of myself that I was happy with, although felt timid about using as my first photo in this series. Finally, I grew some balls and posted it.

Day 1- Self Portrait- Mother & Child

 Today, however has been a pretty good day with a relatively easy subject matter- What You Wore Today. No problem, I really like my outfit today, as I am finally wearing something that I am both very comfortable in and that lets me play with my style a bit. Lately none of my clothing seems to fit post pregnancy, but thankfully, Grant also outgrew a pair of his pants that now fit me! ;)

Day 2- What you wore today: Brown Cords, submarine socks with my red Doc mary janes & a black tank & hoodie.

 Easy as pie.
 
Part of this challenge also for me is learning to love this camera lens. It is the basic lens that came with the camera when we bought it- 18-55 mm, and although I can get good shots with it, I really desire (in the magickal future where I actually have money) to buy a more versatile lens, especially for portrait work. After all, I do have the best model ever sitting around.

I could photograph her all day long.

Overall, I am excited about this challenge and will keep posting occasionally to show you guys how it is going! If you want to join in the fun, follow the list- starting with a self portrait & ending with one, or just post a link to your photos in the comments here! You can see my post daily if you check out the Picasa Album- I will try to keep it updated daily (if possible to access Picasa) with the photos.

30 Day Photo Challenge

Baby Steps, Leaps and Bounds

I feel very blessed that I am currently able to spend each day home with Alchemy thanks to Grant's hard work to support our family. It's good for her to have the continuous care from me, and I honestly couldn't imagine it any other way because I couldn't bear to part with her if I had to take her to a daycare.

One bonus of spending so much time with her is being able to note the tiny ways she is developing daily. So much has changed in the last 12 weeks, and although she would seem much the same to most folks only bigger, it is so much more than that to me.

This week she has decided after almost three months of nursing just fine using nipple shields that she will no longer have it. Just the tiniest touch of one to her lips sends her screaming until I take it off and offer her the nipple sans shield, which she responds to sometimes too eagerly. I may not have nipples by this time next week, but I am glad to see she still has a strong desire to nurse (& more naturally) since we have had to supplement so much by bottle.

Her mobile used to be her favorite thing in the whole wide world. She would lay for long periods of time, happily smiling coyly and cooing at what Grant and I came to refer to as "her boyfriend"- the image of a deer dangling in the center of her mobile. They day I switched it to a car instead she threw a huge fit until I switched it back- then went back to smiling and cooing. Too funny! Now however, I have noticed in the past few days that she no longer seems to care about the mobile at all and has hardly looked at it even though it is often dangling 8 inches above her head. Her new favorite thing to stare at- me, especially if I am sitting next to her. While I am very happy to be one of her new favorite things, this also poses a tiny problem- if I am not staring at her, she will fuss until I do. :)  (Very much like right now- she is in the swing 3 inches from my leg, but if I turn 45 degrees away from her to type, she fusses, but when I look at her, all smiles. Little booger!) I am hoping she redevelops a love for her mobile again somewhere along the way, but I am unsure of whether a kid will come back to something they seem to have developmentally gotten bored with. Only time will tell I suppose.

On to diaper changes- don't worry, it's not gross I promise. My little breech baby, having been folded up for 10 months in my womb absolutely loves to fold herself in half. She is happiest when she is naked and all folded up again with her toes touching her nose or forehead. This actually makes diaper changes sometimes super easy because she gets her little legs out of the way for me. It used to be that they would just flop around all folded, but today I noticed that she has now learned to hold her toes or ankles with her hands and is actually grasping and holding her legs up! So cool!! I am hoping very soon now she will start trying to grasp and hold more things, like her toys. I am noticing she tries to hold her bottle when we feed her and will grasp our fingers as often as she can.

Her bendy ways back when she loved kicking her mobile

When I sit her upright, she is able to hold her head up straight and look around the room- turning her head very well from left to right, although still a bit bobbly. I am looking forward to her strengthening it just a bit more so we can use her Bumbo chair and she can sit up more during the day.

Trying out her Bumbo chair, soon she can sit up in it!

Next Monday on December 12th, she will be 3 months old. I can't believe we have made it three months already, it seems like just yesterday she was born. She is getting big quickly and while I am very excited to think about the upcoming months of development where she will learn to hold her head up more on her tummy, or start to crawl etc.. I am still a tad bit sad to know that soon she won't be my teeny tiny nugget anymore.

Ah! A free moment!

I have been wanting to post a new blog for weeks now, but every time I think about it, something seems to get in the way.  Often, I would post from my Ipad using a blogging app, but recently since the OS update, that app crashes when you try to open it, so.. no posting from bed which is unfortunately where I spend much of my time hanging out with Alchemy while nursing/pumping/napping.

Thankfully, the other things that often make up my day/week are cooking and laundry- both of which require me to be downstairs and which I am doing right now. Alchemy fell asleep earlier in my arms, so I transferred her to her bassinet for just long enough to switch the laundry before she woke up, but now downstairs she is fast asleep in her swing giving me a moment to post now that I have dinner in the oven. Phew!

We have had pretty busy days in the past week or so. Yesterday was Grant's birthday. Unsurprisingly I got him the exact give that days after I bought it he mentioned to me as a "just in case you are having a hard time picking something out..." suggestion. Thankfully, since great minds think alike, he liked the Unicursal hexagram tie I bought him from a tie seller we both have been wanting to order from for some time now. There are so many other ties on that site I would love to buy- both of our favorites being their hops tie.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/Cyberoptix?ref=ss_profile

I think if I had that tie, especially in purple, I would start wearing ties again. We didn't get much of a chance to celebrate his birthday together yesterday since it fell on a Tuesday which is his long day at work. Thankfully, he comes home for dinner between classes for an hour, so I at least was able to make him a good dinner of Quesadillas Unda- meaning with egg instead of the usual overhaul of cheese, smoked gouda and apple sausage, & kale cooked with balsamic vinegar & apples. The quesadillas were especially awesome because they were made with pumpkin spice tortillas made by a local Austin tortilla company- absolutely divine! I am tempted to just toast them in a pan, butter them and eat them by themselves. Grant enjoyed dinner before he had to run out the door to teach his last class. Thankfully, we are going to celebrate this weekend with friends at Billy's, a local pub we recently went to for the first time and love. I am already drooling at the thought of one of their yummy burgers and a tasty beer to go with it.

As if celebrating the birth of the most awesome husband alive wasn't enough, our one year anniversary is coming soon- December 18th. I am so happy to celebrate our wedding together, especially after this past year of love and the growth of our family- we conceived Alchemy on our wedding night, so this anniversary will always be doubly special to me. That said, I am having a difficult time figuring out what to do to celebrate. We have considered dinner together at a local restaurant we love and don't often get to treat ourselves to. I wish we could do something more together- I keep trying to figure out something special that we could do with Alchemy with us, but I haven't been able to figure anything out yet. I did however figure out a gift that goes well with the paper theme for Grant- I am hoping he likes it. (no spoilers, he reads this!)

As a gift to myself, I keep wanting to get my butt to the social security office & DMV so I can finally legally change my name. Doing this with a baby who is very needy and quite vocal about it, not to mention unpredictable from moment to moment is another story- I don't really want to be trapped in those offices all day with her, but I don't currently see a way around it. *sigh*

The other big adventure of our upcoming weeks is balancing the holiday season with the complete tear down, cleaning & remodeling of our entire house. In preparation of Alchemy's future mobility, we want to get the carpet as clean as possible and rearrange the house in a more baby-proof/friendly model. My awesome sister-in-law bought us a crib that is arriving soon, so we definitely need to rearrange our bedroom for it to fit in there, but we are also rearranging every other room in the house.... again. I usually struggle to get behind this type of change because I like things the way they are when I am comfortable with them, however, when I know there is no getting around it, I go into interior design mode. So, to embrace the change, I have now made about 10 different drawings (not to scale yet) of possible floor plans for each room. Designing gives me slightly less anxiety about it all, but it won't completely go away until the change is here. Now I just wish we could start already, but we have to wait until the semester ends for Grant and he has more time here at home to move all the furniture and steam clean the carpets with my help.... while watching Alchemy. I may be asking for someone to come over and be our tryout babysitter at that time. Grant thinks I need to get comfortable with the idea of having someone occasionally watch her for a while anyways so that she can socialize with other adults more and get comfortable with folks that are not us. I am betting she will be just fine with it, but I have to get myself okay with it! I am used to being with her 24/7 and have only ever not been with her for about 45 minutes, when she was with Grant. Must learn to let go sooner rather than later I suppose, so Grant and I can potentially go out together without her one day.

Ahhh the timer for my oven has rung- I guess my free moment is over! Spaghetti squash is calling me.

Gratitude or Thankfulness

I just had an absolutely wonderful Thanksgiving. Grant and I drove with Alchemy out to my parents house in Damon where we got to spend time with them, my sisters Lisa and Gina, and my niece Sarah. It was so good getting family time all together for the first time in a long long time. Lisa and Sarah finally got to meet Alchemy.  Now as we are driving home from their house back to Austin, I find myself thinking about a practice I have seen a lot of lately where people listed one thing they were thankful for each day leading up to Thanksgiving. I did something similar a few years ago for a month and I found it to be a very useful and nourishing daily practice for me. As I thought about it, I realized that I hear people using "thankful" and "grateful" pretty interchangeably. Discussing it with Grant, we decided that the difference between the two words was more about whether it involved another person or their actions (i.e. I am thankful to Gina for the baby clothes and gifts she bought Alchemy) where grateful could be for things not pertaining to a person but that I feel gratitude for (i.e. I am grateful for the rain we had yesterday that watered our garden so well). I am not sure if this is how it works for everyone else or what the proper definition of each is. I suppose if I was not in the car between cities and had Internet access I could look them up and be much more clear on it, but for now we will stick with my reasoning, although I suspect that I will still use them interchangeably as well.  I ponder all this and share it with you because I am considering taking up that practice again, but instead of just a month, trying to journal one thing I am grateful/thankful for a day. If it involves someone else, I may write a thank you card to go with it and mail it to them. What better day to start this practice than the day after Thanksgiving when I just came off of a week full of wonderful family time that I am so grateful for. 

Things that make me happy.

I love this season. Today we are having the perfect weather- beautiful, sunny, breezy 62 degree weather. Alchemy and I took a walk to our garden to water all the new plants. Alchemy was awake for the trip there and my time caring for our garden, but once we started exploring, she was fast asleep.

One of my favorite things being grown by one of our neighbor gardeners is this ginormous pumpkin. The first day I saw it I almost had Grant back the car up so I could figure out what it was sticking out from all the green surrounding it, because I had never seen a pumpkin so large. Today I had a moment to walk up and inspect it more. It looks like something out of a fairy tale, perhaps the pumpkin that becomes Cinderella's coach. I keep wondering how much larger it will get and hope that it stays alive in our cooling weather.

 There is also this beautiful area of garden lush and full of plants that is what I hope our garden will look like once it is more established and fills in- this particular area of one garden has a gorgeous Morning Glory growing full and tall surrounded by many other lower plants. I keep hoping for a multi-level garden like this. We have two big metal fence structures that we are going to sink into the ground somewhere in our plot- I am hoping we can use them both as structures of support for plants, dividers of the different beds, but also to grow things up as well, perhaps even a Morning Glory of our own. We used to have one in our old garden, I would love to have one again.

Our garden is also looking good at the moment. The summer took it's toll on it for sure, killing off many of our plants. We were okay with it and basically abandoned it to the heat, preferring to let it go dormant for a while rather than waste water trying to keep it alive in such a bad drought. Grant has been working really hard to get things going for our Fall/Winter garden. I am finally physically feeling like I can join in again in the gardening although I think I will have to take it slow until my muscles regain strength, and of course gardening with Alchemy is still hard unless she sleeps through it. 

Our plot from the back entrance

Keyhole bed with our artichoke from last year, a blue daze, and shallots, plus a clump of wild onions.

Same keyhole bed, soon to have lots of green beans!

Back corner bed with our Pride of Barbados, a new artichoke, the Mexican marigold mint from spring about to bloom, oregano and mint coming back up slowly, and new beds of spinach and carrots.

Love this bed- all our new greens with a bamboo and snap dragon border.

This greens bed has our kale, brussell sprouts, cauliflower, and tatsoi.

Our front bottle lined herb bed has our artemesia, a pepper and our basil from the spring still alive, plus new plantings of skull cap, St. John's wort, pansies that are starting to bloom, and nasturtiums, plus one bean that is only now sprouting from our spring plantings!

 Not only is this weather perfect for all this gardening, but it also gave us a wonderful Samhain night to go trick or treating with Alchemy. She couldn't actually trick or treat of course, but we wanted a good excuse to dress her up in the bee outfit my mom got her and walk around the neighborhood.

 As you can see, she makes a super cute bumblebee with her lovely little striped socks and the booties my mom made her. This outfit is also a little big, so we are hoping it will fit her in the springtime so she can wear it to the garden!

Our calavera pumpkin I spent hours carving!

Last night I had the pleasure of doing my first henna session since Alchemy was born. Friends of ours are heading to Puerto Rico to have their wedding vows renewed in a ceremony, and so the lovely lady of that pair wanted to have her hands done. She asked me to incorporate flowers, leaves and stars and so, I did. It was tons of fun to do, not to mention just getting time to hang out with them and catch up a bit since we haven't seen them in a while. I also had the opportunity to try out my new henna glitter that I am excited to use on more clients, it gives a nice finish to the paste you have to leave on for so many hours and dresses it up a bit. I think it will be especially good at festivals should I ever henna at one. Soon for our Totocon happening in about a week at the lodge, I will have an opportunity to vend some henna for folks should anyone want some. I am hoping to do another party or two and may have another lined up at the Knitting Nest again in the spring. I am also just hoping to take more private clients- I love doing the henna in the comfort of my home for folks where I can easily still take care of Alchemy.

This week I developed a new addiction. Pinterest. Crazy awesome website that serves as a virtual pinboard where you can "pin" images of things you love onto different boards to organize them and then share them out with folks, or see other folks awesome boards and repin things to your own. I am loving it!! Anything that allows me to organize visually is perfect. I have a board for things I love, one for favorite recipes, one for my dream home- all the things I would want in the perfect house. I have a board for beautiful garden ideas, one full of things I either have or want for Alchemy, and a board full of crafty things I want to make. I even added a "follow me on Pinterest" button to this blog so folks who read this can follow me, and a "pin it" button in case someone likes this blog enough to pin it!! Come check it all out, I promise you will love it. Just don't blame me if you get completely addicted too. 

Ask and you shall receive- Abundance

I am continuously amazed by the outpouring of love and assistance we have received in the last several months from our community. In a time where so many people are out of work, struggling to make ends meet and needing help themselves, we keep getting met with folks who are willing to share of their time, their material goods, and themselves with us.


I was very concerned when June came and I no longer had a job that we were not going to be able to make things work well once Alchemy arrived. We had some tough months of July and August trying to cut back to keep things going without my salary coming in and Grant working less for the summer. Babies being as expensive as they are concerned me- how would we be able to afford all the dang clothes a small person needs as they grow out of them so quickly? Could we afford the other baby items we needed or would potentially want- especially the big items that tend to be more expensive like a car seat or stroller?

Then I worried about time and healing- how would I be able to be well nourished if I was recovering from her birth? How would I keep the house clean, or take care of her while caring for myself alone while Grant worked?

I am not afraid to ask for help, so often I reached out to see if anyone could assist me, but even more often folks came out of the woodwork to offer us assistance.

Months before she even arrived, several friends started bestowing outgrown baby clothes that their kiddoes no longer needed upon us. Some from our awesome neighbors that their son Patrick had outgrown. Some from Musick that Annie was outgrowing at a super fast pace. Lots of clothing we received either new or gently used at our baby showers. Some came from my friend JaNee from Houston since her daughter Lila is quickly outgrowing clothing and some toys they sent. Some came down from Portland from Clay and Fawn from Lu. Some traveled with Lisa from the UK to here for me that Anaya has outgrown. Already I have several bags of clothing sitting in stand-by sorted by size awaiting the day when Alchemy finally chubs out and grows to fit them. Just today I received another message from Kira who has clothes she would be happy to bring by that Rhiannon has outgrown. The clothing angels just keep coming. I keep trying to share what I receive by bestowing clothing on other friends of mine with babies the same age as Alchemy, or those still expecting. Already I have passed on several bags of clothing to my friend Sontee for her adorable daughter Asmi, and I have three more bags waiting. I sent some of the bigger stuff to Anaya in hopes it will fit her while Lisa is still here visiting before she heads back to the UK.

Lisa gave me lots of baby gear she no longer needed. Ja'Nee sent us one of those play mats with the dangling toys for Alchemy to use. Our neighbors gave us Patrick's swing that plays music. Clay and Fawn sent us their infant car seat that Lu no longer fit in to use. ( I am hoping we can just send it back and forth with them for many years to come as we trade off making adorable babies.) My mom bought us the bassinet we had been hoping for.

While we considered a stroller, it was an expense we couldn't float at the moment, and she is still small enough that we carry her most places, so we weren't too worried and just expected to save up for one. When Grant's parents were here, they bought us an awesome stroller that will grow with her for many years and be here for the next kid we have.

Just today I was mentioning how I wanted to buy Kung Fu Panda at Half Price today but thought it was too expensive and passed it up. My friend Valerie said she thought she had it at home, and if she did she would mail it to me. Awesome.

Beyond the material items, there is the love and support of people through their time- so many of our friends took time to make delicious dinners that they delivered to us so that we could eat well when we were bogged down with baby care in the early weeks and could barely remember our names much less cook. I still have food in the freezer that I pull out to defrost on the hectic extra fussy Alchemy days. (Big heartfelt happy-tummied thanks to Musick, Rebro, Annalisa, Trisha, Vanessa, Elana, & Elle for keeping us nourished)

And although I have said it before, it is definitely worth mentioning again that I wouldn't have made it through the first very hard month without my mom. Her being here for a month with us was priceless. I can't imagine how much sleep she actually lost as she gave so much of herself to taking care of both me and Alchemy at the same time in attempt to help provide relief to Grant who was exhausted from caring for us while working far too much. Mom helped cook for us, cleaned up some when she could, took on many night shifts with the baby and I, stayed awake with her in attempts to let me sleep small bits, ran a bazillion errands for us, drove me to appointments when I still couldn't drive.... the list could go on and on. I am so blessed to have her still only a few hours away. I love that Alchemy got a chance to bond with her so early for so long, and I loved having my mom here to bear witness to my new life of motherhood in its early days. She held such a good balance between being helpful and knowing when to hold back to let me do things my way as a mother.  I miss having her here with us and am glad that she will be coming back for another short visit soon and that she is close enough for me to drive to.



To my lovely community of friends and family- thank you for the continuous out pouring of love and support. May the abundance and sharing continue amongst us all and may I forever be able to give back as much in return as you all have given to me.

Balancing Act

Each day I wake up and lay in bed momentarily trying to figure out what I am going to do that day. Some days I actually feel slightly rested and have energy to go with the plans, or at least a good hot cup of tea. Other days, I am wiped from being up with Alchemy all night and want nothing more than another hour of sleep, which I rarely get. On truly fussy Alchemy mornings I get trapped in bed breastfeeding her and pumping for later. Those late start days often suck. Add to that the last minute tasks I didn't know I had that Grant tells me about when we talk on the phone and you get one hopeless feeling Nicole.


These are not my ideal days. There are so many things that I want to do and so many things that need getting done. Some are just basic stuff like housecleaning (which our house sorely needs right now after the many weeks I have been recovering and not cleaning). Other things are little adventures I want to take with Alchemy or just things I want to do for fun to make me happy. The problem is balancing getting any of them done with the basic daily care of a newborn baby. So, to try and combat this problem, I am doing what I do best- making lists. Lists of small household tasks, lists of things we need to buy when we find the extra money, lists of things I want to do tomorrow, next week, one day in the future. When I get them done, I will share some of what I want to do here.

Today didn't have a list, but I took it on the best I could.  Got us down the stairs as fast as possible so we didn't get trapped upstairs and had a good cup of tea as we started the morning. Finished our grocery list and we were out the door headed for the Co-op to shop. Shopping is one of my favorite things to do with Alchemy. I wear her in my Moby wrap and she falls right to sleep against me as we shop. One day I am hoping she will stay awake for the experience so I can show her things in the store, although her sleeping didn't stop me from rubbing her back and talking to her as we walked along. Hopefully she heard some of what I was saying. Folks at the Co-op always love her and were very helpful getting us to the car and loaded up today so I could get her in her seat and air conditioned.

Came home and fed us both, feeling accomplished that I got one shopping task done. If I had put it on a list, I would have taken pleasure in crossing it off.

 Alchemy having her bottle of mom juice for lunch!


 Next up, laundry- before I decided I was too tired to do it. Lots of juggling of laundry loads with Alchemy care and kitchen cleaning. I managed to time my loads of laundry to use one dryer time for both loads, saving us a buck in quarters! Ahhh.. the little things that make me happy. Decided in the midst of it all that I wanted more chocolate chip cookies since the ones I made last week were amazing. Seriously, they are the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever made. I found them here on Smitten Kitchen:
http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/03/crispy-chewy-chocolate-chip-cookies/

(Elana, if you are reading this, THESE are the perfect cookie.) 

The recipe says you can flash freeze some of the dough for later use. I had never done that before, so I looked it up last week and gave it a try- keeping 15 beautiful balls of cookie dough frozen for a day like today when I wanted a fast batch of cookies again.

Popped them onto a cookie sheet with parchment paper, and Wa-La! Speaking of parchment paper- where the hell has this stuff been all my life!? I just finally bought some after Grant kept saying we should get it because he likes using it to bake and cook. Tried it out and absolutely love it. Perfect baking and easy clean up.

15 minutes later, I ended up with the perfect cookies.

Crispy on the edges, chewy on the inside and amazingly tasty. NOM NOM NOM! Now I just have to control myself and not eat them all in one night. I love Smitten Kitchen. So far I have only made cookies off her site and loved both of them. I need to try some of her other recipes soon.


I had been trying to entertain Alchemy with her swing while I hustled around baking and folding laundry, and while she was okay with it for a short while, eventually she decided she had had it.

Ahhhh my little adorable fussy monkey. She is very good at pathetically being adorable and letting us know just when she is unhappy with whatever is going on. That is a definite unhappy with the world face. Yesterday she started developing tears, and although they haven't fallen down her face yet, I know its only a matter of time before we see big alligator tears when she cries and then we are done for. Grant says she is developing an even better arsenal against us. She is also starting to smile, but she must be reserving those for everyone but me since she has yet to give me one. All I ever get is crying. *Sigh* I try not to take it personally, as I am sure one day she will express love and smiles my way rather than just cries and screams.

Grant came home for an hour between campuses to eat dinner with us quickly. We barely had a chance to visit over some quick eats before he was out the door again. Ahh Tuesdays. They are my long day where it's just Alchemy and I until late evening. I still have to head up and put away all the laundry I folded and settle in to wind Alchemy down for the night. There will be more feeding and pumping, but also hopefully some relaxation time after a busy day.

After today comes tomorrow.. who knows what adventures we will get into then.

Winds of Change

Today is an absolutely beautiful day here in Austin. A cold front has blown in, keeping our temperatures in the upper 60's to very low 70's this afternoon. With the windows open and the very strong breeze, it feels almost cold in the house. Alchemy, Oscar and I are loving it- she has been napping happily wrapped in a blanket beside me as I work on the downstairs computer, Oscar has been trading between occupying the glider chair and the front window.

I spent some time this morning bringing some magickal focus back to my main altar downstairs. I have been spending so much time upstairs that the altar that gets most of my attention is Alchemy's in our bedroom, although even that needs a clean up and overhaul at the moment. Come to think of it, most of our house needs an overhaul.

Grant has been taking small moments when he can to keep the downstairs more clean and organized which I am grateful for. I am going to create a little To-Do list/schedule of tasks & cleaning to be done in hopes of taking one thing at a time and working on it at whatever pace I need to in order to get it done. Just a little each day will help. Today it was a trip to the coop for groceries and some kitchen organizing. Tomorrow there will be laundry at the very least.

As I was cleaning my altar I sat thinking for a while about myself when I was smaller- looking at photos my mom and I pulled out when she was here, I wonder what Alchemy will be like when she is one, three, six etc.. She changes so much each day while at the same time staying so much the same. She is five weeks old and I can see the beginnings of baby pudge forming on her arms and legs, under her chin. Her eye lashes are becoming more defined, the blue of her eyes lightening. She is more beautiful everyday to me.



Tomorrow we are going on our first bus adventure together to meet Grant at ACC for a religion panel discussion on Rites of Passage. I am very happy to be attending a panel again because I very much enjoyed the previous talks I attended, but also feel like this particular one will resonate will resonate with me since I feel like I am going through my own rite of passage into motherhood at the moment. Recently a friend of mine posted information about a class offered here in Austin taught by two certified Doulas called Mother Unfolding. It's a five week class that meets once a week intended to bring new moms and babies together to learn how to handle being new moms, discuss a variety of things that come up in the early weeks with our babies and to handle them etc.. The class serves both as a support group of sorts as well as a place of education on many things. It sounds great, but unfortunately starts this week on Thursday when I have previous plans, and also costs more than I have to lay out at this time. So, it looks like I will have to keep unfolding into being a mother on my own- like a new butterfly, I know I am a more beautiful and developed form of who I once was, but am forever changed. Each day I will spread my wings a bit more, walk lightly on my new mother legs and figure out how to be a better mother to Alchemy.


Thursday she and I are going to a local nursery called The Natural Gardener with a dear friend I haven't spent time with in a long time. I love that nursery and haven't been since sometime in my early pregnancy. Even if I had no intention of buying plants I could spend hours there walking in their gardens, visiting with their donkeys, goats and chickens and walking in the labyrinth. However, I do have intention of buying some plants while I am there for our garden. Grant has put in some hard work lately preparing our garden for the late fall and winter planting we want to do. I miss our garden bunches and am glad it will be planted again after taking such a beating from the intense summer heat and drought. Now that the weather is cooling and I am not pregnant anymore, I too can get back into gardening again, I have missed working it.


Friday there is a party to attend with Grant at St. Eds, Saturday I get to reunite with my Citizen Schools coworkers (most of them anyways) for afternoon lunch before we head to our lodge for a Dia de Los Muertos feast in the evening, Sunday after we hopefully have gotten some sleep, we will wake early and get on the road to Damon to see my parents for a day. My Dad has not met Alchemy yet, I am so excited that he finally gets to see her and that my Mom will see her again as well. Even though it has only been a week and a half since she left Austin, I know she has missed her as much as we miss having her here with us.


It is a full week, but a happy one filled with lots of time out in the gorgeous weather spending time with loved ones. I love having weeks like this.

Supply and Demand

Haiku of the day:

I need to create
More milk so that my baby
Can eat and gain weight.

(in a way, it's about nature, and at least its 5-7-5)

Went to the birthing center for our check up and full newborn screening today. Got to visit with our midwife R who Grant and I both very much like. She is older (although in no way old) and from Germany and always gives us very very wise information and advice whenever we are there. Today's info was wise although not what I has hoped for by any means.

Although Alchemy was showing signs of taking in a good amount of milk when our lactation consultant came out, she still has not managed to regain enough to get back to her birth weight. Somewhere along the way last week due to the way she was nursing, potentially both from my nipple damage, her tongue tie or the fact that she falls asleep at the breast so often- she stopped sucking as efficiently as she needed to both to get enough milk and to keep my supply up.

Now I am on a routine where I feed her then pump after to help increase my supply, and what we pump we feed her in addition to what she breast fed to get more into her. Hopefully this will not only increase my milk supply more quickly, but will also fatten her up faster. I got a rental pump from the local lactation store that is hospital grade and very good. Got tired of holding it to my breasts for long pumping sessions yesterday, so I cut holes in my sports bra, and wa-la! Hands free pumping. I also got a hold of Fenugreek which is supposed to help with milk supply increase as well.

So fingers crossed, hopefully my supply will redevelop quick enough to get more food into her before my weight check appt this coming Monday. I'd rather not supplement with formula if I can avoid it, although if I have to for a couple of days to help her gain weight while my supply comes back, I will.

My mom is hanging in with us for an extra few days to see how all this goes next Monday before returning to Houston. Grant's parents arrived last night from Ohio to visit for the weekend and meet Alchemy which is very exciting! Hopefully beyond this crazy feed-pump-feed schedule there will be time for fun this weekend.

Location:Austin, TX

Adventures in Out-there land

This weekend has been a whole new adventure in parenting. I am feeling healed enough to leave the house for small trips now, and so after feeling stranded for weeks in my upstairs bedroom, I have started to get out with Alchemy a little.

Yesterday morning, I opened the front door and stepped out to discover that there was a cool wind blowing and it was in the low 80's. After an entire summer of 100+ degree days, this felt like a real cool front. I went back in, strapped on the baby in the wrap and grabbed my mom. Out the door we went for a walk in the neighborhood. Wandered past cute houses, high schoolers making their way off campus for lunch, construction on gutted hours being renovated and streets with no sidewalks, finally returning home feeling happy but also a bit sore. Pushed myself to the edge of my limits on that first walk out carrying her, but very much enjoyed it.

Then the afternoon came. After some time spent with visitors, we abandoned our original evening plans for another adventure- travel to Round Rock to Baby Earth to buy some stuff for her and have dinner somewhere. Now while a simple trip to a very baby friendly store and a restaurant for dinner sounds like it would be easy, it actually became quite a trip. First problem- although she was well fed and happy when we set out on our adventure, we made the mistake of making this trip during rush hour. What would have normally taken us 20 or so minutes took over an hour. While we originally intended to shop then eat, by the time we reached the area we were heading, our main goal amidst the screaming baby was stop the car and release her from the car seat of doom- ANYWHERE to eat! Anywhere translated into Carino's, where part two of my adventure occurred.

While I was hoping we would arrive, get seated and all would stay quiet and well with the cute sleeping baby in the wrap on my chest, this of course was not the case. No sooner had we sat to eat than she started to fuss. Time to feed. Mom and I exit to the restroom where we have our first public diaper change- not bad. Next- trying to get her into the sling in a position that I can breastfeed her in. After several attempts it became very clear that it wasn't happening. Instead, I prepared to go back to the table in attempt to feed her discreetly not in the sling, but held in my arms. Somehow, I managed to pull it off although without the usual Boppy and blankets for support I am so used to at home, my arms got tired really quick. Grant leaned over to tell me how I am such an amazing mom and of course, I find myself in tears. I don't feel like an amazing mom, that shit was hard. I keep feeling like with every new challenge I am blundering through making a mess of things. We were successful with a quick feeding and she slept through dinner soundly.

Finally, we made it to our destination, but even in the store she screamed for a while, making our shopping trip much shorter than we hoped for. Paid and got to the car where we once again had to wake her to put her in the seat- got a little crying in before she passed out before we ever left the parking lot. Thankfully she slept the rest of the way home.

Today's adventures were less troublesome. This morning we visited our community garden but she slept through the whole visit, not seeing our garden plot, the people who came over to see her, or the chicken pen we visited. In the afternoon we made our first trip to the grocery store together that she slept through entirely.

Now, laying in bed typing this I realize just how tired I am after a long day out with no naps for me. I am hoping she will have a fuss free easy sleeping night.

Location:Austin,TX

Tie, Cry, Why? Oh my.

What a hectic week so far.

As I may have mentioned already, breast feeding has been a bit troublesome for us due to latch issues with Alchemy and my nipples getting more and more damaged as a result. Thankfully, I have the nipple shields to use while I am trying to heal them.

Monday I got a hold of a lactation specialist who was referred to me by my local La Leche League group that I contacted for help. She used to be the leader of the group a couple of years ago and came highly recommended by the new leader. Called her up and we made plans for her to come that evening to help me out. I was nervous, especially after I had such a bad experience with the postpartum midwife who came out to our house following the birth. When she (the PPM) left my house I was in tears, my baby was hysterical and I felt like a huge failure of a mother. Actually, I felt like Alchemy and I had just been very poorly treated physically and emotionally. This led to me booking my follow up visit for next week with someone else. Anyways, yes, nervous about the new person coming.

Thankfully, I didn't have to be. D arrived and was instantly the perfect gentle smile and hand for us. She had a lot of wisdom to go with her own personal experience with 4 kids, and is well studied on lactation issues and very thorough in her inspection of both me and Alchemy to try to help us. She started by checking for a high palate which she did not have. Next, she checked for a tongue tie, which she did see. I was happy someone finally saw what I had seen all along and asked about several times at the hospital, being told "no, she's fine". Tongue tie is a definite cause of latch issues because it keeps a baby from lifting their tongue all the way to the roof of their mouth, or sticking it out beyond their bottom lip. If they have limited movement, they can't latch to the breast correctly or pull the nipple back far enough to nurse correctly. While this may sound like bad news, it was actually good news because it is fixable with a simple procedure. D referred me to an ENT doc who is very good at diagnosing and treating tongue ties and told me to follow up with him. After that we weighed her, then nursed her in two sessions, weighing her at the middle and end to see how much milk she was taking in. She took in 3 oz in that hour and made good weight gain. If she isn't already, she will probably be back to her birth weight in a day or so. D helped us calculate how much milk she should be taking in per feeding according to her weight, and also told us that once she has returned to birth weight, we can stop waking her at night if we want and let her self wake to nurse (allowing us a little more sleep potentially). Overall, the visit was calming, reaffirming and left me feeling like I had a plan of action that would make things easier for us.

The next day we got in to see the ENT. He confirmed that Alchemy did have a minor and hard to see tongue tie, her frenulum being far back as it should be, but short and thick. The procedure they use to fix it is to numb it and cut it, releasing the tongue to move better. This of course sounds horrible and there was no way I could hold her steady for it even though I wanted to still be in the room, so two kind nurses held her and in 30 seconds, snip. She cried but stopped bleeding pretty quickly and was sucking on my finger for comfort immediately. He checked her twice more to make sure all was well, then sent us home, letting us know that while it may take her a week or so to relearn how to suck correctly, we should see a great improvement. Hallelujah.

Of course, there are still sore nipples to deal with, so I am still using the shields while we get them healed and then should see an improvement in her nursing better with me not being injured anymore. I got an awesome prescription nipple ointment made this morning that should help them heal well faster, so I have my fingers crossed. The last two days she has switched up the game on us and instead of eating then sleeping soundly for a while, she is eating, then screaming and fussing while being gassy before begging to eat again... and repeat. We have gotten very little sleep. At the pharmacy I found gas relieving drops and something called Gripe Water they say works great for indigestion and hiccups. We are going to see if those help and also have me off dairy for a couple of days to see if there is a change to end all this constant crying. (perhaps this will fix our headaches and exhaustion)


I saw the doctor this morning who said I am healing well, took off my steristrips and told me to take it easy but that all looks good. I have another follow up in early November to make sure everything healed perfectly. While at the doc they weighed me as usual, I almost fell off the scale in shock. I have lost 20 pounds since her birth- most of it probably being her and the placenta, but it's crazy that I am only 6 pounds heavier than my pre birth weight right now, and that is probably mostly my big milky boobs. Hopefully this means I should have a quick recovery back to my regular clothing, perhaps by January.

Getting closer to the weekend, I am looking forward to small moments of baby included happiness- Sunshine Gardens is having their plant sale for Fall/Winter plants that I am hoping we can get so that we have some plants in for this season. Our poor garden has taken a huge hit both from the summer heat and us being busy with work and the baby arriving, yet once life calms down a bit, I think we will be happy to have a fall harvest going again. Sunday there is a free musical performance in a local park that we could go to if we are up to it just to get out in the world for a bit. I am looking forward to being more healed just so we can get out more, I am a bit stir crazy always being home and mostly in bed.

Location:Austin, TX

Give and Take

I have been thinking a lot today about how being a mom makes me think back so much to my childhood. Going through this new experience with my mom at my side, I get to hear how things were for her when I was born and she was taking care of me. More than once this week I have said "oh man, I am so sorry mom.." in response to some story of a hard time she went through with me (my many weeks of colic) or feel even more blessed by her help when I hear those very stories and how she went through it all alone with no help.

It brings me to the give and take of things. When we are children, our whole world is take- we have nightmares and wake our parents in the night, hoping for comfort when we try to fall back to sleep, never once realizing the sleep they lose to comfort us or the jobs they are going to the next day. We end up sick and spend nights crying as they once again go sleepless as they rub our chests with Vicks Vapo-rub and bring us glasses of water. Never mind those awesome nights where you pee or poo the bed and never have to worry about the laundry the next day. Children depend on parents to feel safe, loved and well taken care of and their strong dependency on parents is more exhausting that I have ever even realized till now.

Now that I am in the early days of parenting, going on small hours of sleep if I am lucky, being a personal feeding system and changing more diapers than I thought one little person could mess up, I realize just how much of ones self a mother or parent gives to a child, and I have only been at it for short of 2 weeks. I can't even imagine what it will be like once she is older, when my ability to control her universe slowly unravels and she can walk, run, jump off high places and break bones, goes to school, etc..and thrills and scares me with every move she makes. (but no sense in going down that anxiety road now, I will walk it when I have to)

Yet, through all that take, there is give as well. Each minute that passes as I sit and mourn sleep lost, I also smile as I look at all the cute faces she makes in her sleep. I examine each tiny dimple in her skin, the creases of her fingers and am amazed that such perfection and beauty came from me. Her little ears are works of art, her hair like maple syrup & honey mixed. She fills my heart with absolute delight and more love that I could imagine each day- I told Grant that everyday I love her a little bit more, while feeling like I couldn't possibly love her more than I already do. They give back by filing our hearts with love each day.

Then one day, they grow up like I have and they have one of their own. Then they still take like I am right now by leaning so heavily on my mother for help, costing her more precious sleep like I did as a baby. Yet, once again, I can tell I have also given her something- the same precious bundle of love that delights me puts a smile on my mother's face too- and the cycle of give and take continues.

Location:Austin, TX

Morphing Mind and Body

Every time I look in the mirror, I am surprised by my reflection. Where once I had a beautiful big belly, I now have..something foreign to me. I miss my pregnant belly and I barely remember what I looked like before pregnancy. I took so much care during it to keep from getting stretch marks- I had the perfect belly, until now.





Now, I am amazed at how thin I already am. True, I still have a bit more belly than I normally would have, but it seems to lessen each day. Unfortunately, I didn't know that I was allergic to adhesives, but I will never forget again. When the day came in the hospital to take my shower and get my bandages wet to be removed, I noticed a rash all over my stomach where the big surgical guard was and when we removed the bandage to finally see my incision, I had blisters everywhere the adhesive tape was touching. So now, my stomach looks like a Frankenstein-stomach. The rash is healing with time and cortisone, but is still dark discoloring to my skin that I hope will fade. The blisters are bursting and healing slowly as well. Even though I have used adhesive remover several times since, there are still sticky places on my body. My incision seems to be healing well from what I can tell, hopefully when all is said and done, it will be my only scar and once healed may not look like much.







When I wonder where my belly went and how I changed so much, I just look down at my gorgeous daughter and remember- these are my wounds of honor for being blessed with her.

Location:Austin, TX

Give up to Grace.

Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
'til it gets to shore.
You need more help than you know.
-Rumi-


A friend of mine shared out this quote the other day and when I read it, it very much resonated with me for a variety of reasons.

Today, Alchemy Grace DiMucci Potts is one week old. It has been a pretty hectic and beautiful past week filled with fun new adventures, moments of absolute contentment & joy, moments of anxiety and tears and occasionally, a quiet moment of sleep or two.







One of our first photos of her, with all that gorgeous golden brown hair.

"Give up to (Alchemy) Grace" has often been a theme of our short week and even birth experience together. I had that huge perfect dream plan for a natural birth, for being able to keep my placenta for encapsulation etc... and due to the inability to convince her to turn in the womb (we are still unsure if they saw any reason other than size & shape of my womb) she stayed perfectly seated snug and upright awaiting her birth, causing the need for a cesarean section.

I was a hot mess at times about that surgery in the week before it- going from peaceful and accepting of it to panicked and in mourning about it. The night before I shed many tears but mostly tried to get mentally prepared and get sleep. Morning of, I found myself nervous on the inside but in a weird state of calm about it all once we were at the hospital. Prep for surgery felt like it was both speedy and too long. I hated being separated from my mother and midwife C who had to both wait in the waiting room. Grant got to sit with me as we both prepared for the surgery. Next hard part- the spinal anesthesia. Now let me say, thank the Gods for it, because you wouldn't of course want the surgery without it. Unfortunately, they had a nurse in the department who was training under the anesthesia doc put my spinal in. Not sure if she was just struggling or what, but I am relatively sure she poked me in the spine with that needle about 5-6 times. I am still bruised from it. That was a pretty scary experience- having to hunch my body over and keep still while nervous and freezing cold in the operating room while someone sticks you in the spine several times. Probably had more anxiety at that point than in the surgery at any point. Once that was finally in, all was better.

Just like "the ocean takes care of each wave 'til it gets to shore" I gave into the wave of numb- it felt like someone poured hot whiskey in me from my toes up. After that, things flew by. We entered the OR at 9:43 before that spinal, my guess is they had me set up and ready by 10, finally letting Grant in to sit at my side and hold my hand. One postal service song from my iPod later, they said "Is that a shoulder!?" to which I replied "it better not be!!!" we all laughed but it was then announced that no, it was a butt. I can thankfully see and feel nothing but this alien tugging feeling- I know with my logical mind that I probably look a frightening mess on the other side of the blue curtain and that two folks have their hands in me, I mostly just stayed calm and focused on the soon to be arrival of my girl. Didn't have to wait long- at 10:19 after some abdomen pressure of them pushing her out of her ready made door, they announced "Nicole, look at you little girl!" and over the top of the curtain appeared the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Nothing mattered at that point or again since.

A few short minutes later Grant and the nicely blanketed baby were at my shoulder for a much closer look at her beautiful face before they continued to the nursery while I finished getting sewn up and ready for Recovery room time. Shore was reached, thanks ocean.






Me and Alchemy a day or two after birth in the hospital.






Grant spending time with us one morning on the way to work.


I could keep telling this story sequentially, but I'd probably bore you to tears if you aren't already. Let's move to the last part of the quote- "you need more help than you know."

Amen to that. I still don't have a clue how much help I actually need and I have received plenty of it and hope to receive plenty more. Things that I thought should be easy were hard- breastfeeding is still a difficult but rewarding adventure, although we are both getting it down more, working with our obstacles and feeding well. Sleep is...precious and scarce. In the last night or so, Grant and I reached a good trade off cycle of sleep with each other where he would sleep while I nursed or didn't need his immediate help, and then if I couldn't get her settled after a feeding or was not able to get her diaper changed without much pain, he would wake and take care of that and calming her to sleep (sometimes downstairs) so I could get some sleep too. Last night I tried something a bit different- after feeding I just let her sleep on my chest. She was happy, I was happy and we both got a couple of hours of sleep. Help is needed for everything, not only in baby care but definitely because of the surgery recovery. I hate having to take so much pain medication to the point where at times I feel overly zonked and super emotional. I am dealing with the emotional hormone dump after birth already, so tears are easy to come by even though I am super happy. Just getting out of bed to care for myself needed assistance. Today I am doing better, moving around and able to get up although still confined to the upstairs a bit longer. I'm not sure what I would do without all the support my mom and Grant have given me- they have been life savers.







My mom taking care of Alchemy and giving me some down time.

I am not sure if there is an expiration date on asking for help in this, but I damn sure couldn't do this alone. I firmly believe in villages raising a child, so I am taking help from lots of sources, but sometimes those sources contradict each other, leaving me in a cloud of self doubt about my abilities as a new mom and in tears. Grant keeps reassuring me that I am the mom and authority on what happens for Alchemy and that I get to make the decisions to follow or not follow any advice I am given and should go with what I think or know is best for her.

Still, it takes time, and its only been one week.







Alchemy, home and happy- 5 days old.

Location: Austin, TX

Transitions

Almost 11 p.m., and as I lay in bed, my thoughts tonight are of the odd transition space I am in. Although many parts of my life will bleed over into each other and much will stay the same, after tomorrow, a lot more will never be the same again.

I have things to say good bye to, at least for now:

Pregnancy- I have really loved being pregnant in a way that has often been hard for me to explain. Even in the all day sickness weeks I knew those moments would pass and that they were powerful because I was creating my masterpiece. Sure, I got aches and pains. I lost a good chunk of sleep. In these last few days my feet have gotten more swollen. If these are the worst that could happen that don't even begin to match all the joys I have had.

I remember at exactly 20 weeks going with Grant and B to Eeyore's Birthday. After that hot trek of fun, we changed and went to Pourhouse Pub, where for the very first time I felt Alchemy move.

The joy of watching my body slowly change in miraculous ways I never thought it could- the change in my breasts and stomach as they shifted and stretched to support my ever growing baby. I am in love with my beautiful belly- part of me is going to miss it but I know that I just get a new version of my old stomach back, and I barely remember what that looks or feels like now, so it will be new to me again.

Of course, there are things I won't miss as much:

Needing to pee every two hours each night has been less annoying from the peeing standpoint, but more annoying as I get bigger and have a harder time getting out of bed.
Sleeping with 6 pillows to support every inch of me, especially the heavy belly. Having to sleep upright because my ribs hurt so bad for a while she was still high in my body.
The acid reflux. I should have stock in Tums.

Tomorrow morning in the semi-dark and early, I will get up, wish for tea & breakfast I can't have and then make my way to the hospital to prepare for everything new-

Things I am scared/nervous about:
The surgery itself. Even though its a common one that is done (far too) often, it's still scary for me since it's the most major surgery I have ever had.
Not being able to get the hospital to work with our wishes for our daughter.

On the other side of that coin are the things I feel very excited and empowered around:

Seeing my daughter's face for the first time & knowing that even though I am not birthing her as I wished that I am still birthing her from my powerful strong body that created her, housed her and nourished her these past 10 months.
Being able to breast feed and continue to be her source of life and nourishment.
Getting to bond with her and Grant so we can smell her, hold her, kiss her little toes and be amazed by the new life we have made.
Watching Grant's face light up like I have potentially never seen it before the minute he meets her and falls completely in love with her.
Having my mom and our midwife Charlotte with us to support us through the birth and the following days.

Finally fully being the mom I have always wanted to be.

I have felt like a mom since the moment I knew I was pregnant. Every choice I have made since that day has been for the best of my daughter, whether it be what I chose to eat, drink, do for exercise, how much rest I got, what vitamins and nourishment I put in my body, how I took care of us medically, even the choices I made around the birth we hoped to have for her, and those I am making now to make sure she arrives here safely. Tomorrow it all gets so much more real- she goes from being my little "gut monkey" to my external nugget of joy. All the ease and comfort my body has provided her will change- now I have to learn to understand and communicate with her, care for her every minute, and grow with her.

I feel extremely grateful for all the support we have around us from friends and family. Already people are stepping up and offering Grant and I help for these tough transitional days ahead as we are settling in to being parents. My mom will be here for a couple of weeks to help me recover from surgery and care for Alchemy. Friends are beginning to sign up for days to bring us tasty food so we don't waste away here as we put all our energy into her. I have received more clothing and baby stuff from generous friends who have kids that have outgrown them than I can believe, saving us more money than I can even imagine at a time when we have less coming in than we used to. Beyond that- many people are sending us love, magick, prayer and good thoughts both for tomorrow and in general which has me feeling blessed and more at peace with this all in a time when I have been very emotional around it all.

My love to you all who read this- please send us good energy and prayers tomorrow as we welcome Alchemy Grace DiMucci Potts into the world.

Location: Austin, TX