Give up to Grace.

Give up to Grace.
The ocean takes care of each wave
'til it gets to shore.
You need more help than you know.
-Rumi-


A friend of mine shared out this quote the other day and when I read it, it very much resonated with me for a variety of reasons.

Today, Alchemy Grace DiMucci Potts is one week old. It has been a pretty hectic and beautiful past week filled with fun new adventures, moments of absolute contentment & joy, moments of anxiety and tears and occasionally, a quiet moment of sleep or two.







One of our first photos of her, with all that gorgeous golden brown hair.

"Give up to (Alchemy) Grace" has often been a theme of our short week and even birth experience together. I had that huge perfect dream plan for a natural birth, for being able to keep my placenta for encapsulation etc... and due to the inability to convince her to turn in the womb (we are still unsure if they saw any reason other than size & shape of my womb) she stayed perfectly seated snug and upright awaiting her birth, causing the need for a cesarean section.

I was a hot mess at times about that surgery in the week before it- going from peaceful and accepting of it to panicked and in mourning about it. The night before I shed many tears but mostly tried to get mentally prepared and get sleep. Morning of, I found myself nervous on the inside but in a weird state of calm about it all once we were at the hospital. Prep for surgery felt like it was both speedy and too long. I hated being separated from my mother and midwife C who had to both wait in the waiting room. Grant got to sit with me as we both prepared for the surgery. Next hard part- the spinal anesthesia. Now let me say, thank the Gods for it, because you wouldn't of course want the surgery without it. Unfortunately, they had a nurse in the department who was training under the anesthesia doc put my spinal in. Not sure if she was just struggling or what, but I am relatively sure she poked me in the spine with that needle about 5-6 times. I am still bruised from it. That was a pretty scary experience- having to hunch my body over and keep still while nervous and freezing cold in the operating room while someone sticks you in the spine several times. Probably had more anxiety at that point than in the surgery at any point. Once that was finally in, all was better.

Just like "the ocean takes care of each wave 'til it gets to shore" I gave into the wave of numb- it felt like someone poured hot whiskey in me from my toes up. After that, things flew by. We entered the OR at 9:43 before that spinal, my guess is they had me set up and ready by 10, finally letting Grant in to sit at my side and hold my hand. One postal service song from my iPod later, they said "Is that a shoulder!?" to which I replied "it better not be!!!" we all laughed but it was then announced that no, it was a butt. I can thankfully see and feel nothing but this alien tugging feeling- I know with my logical mind that I probably look a frightening mess on the other side of the blue curtain and that two folks have their hands in me, I mostly just stayed calm and focused on the soon to be arrival of my girl. Didn't have to wait long- at 10:19 after some abdomen pressure of them pushing her out of her ready made door, they announced "Nicole, look at you little girl!" and over the top of the curtain appeared the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Nothing mattered at that point or again since.

A few short minutes later Grant and the nicely blanketed baby were at my shoulder for a much closer look at her beautiful face before they continued to the nursery while I finished getting sewn up and ready for Recovery room time. Shore was reached, thanks ocean.






Me and Alchemy a day or two after birth in the hospital.






Grant spending time with us one morning on the way to work.


I could keep telling this story sequentially, but I'd probably bore you to tears if you aren't already. Let's move to the last part of the quote- "you need more help than you know."

Amen to that. I still don't have a clue how much help I actually need and I have received plenty of it and hope to receive plenty more. Things that I thought should be easy were hard- breastfeeding is still a difficult but rewarding adventure, although we are both getting it down more, working with our obstacles and feeding well. Sleep is...precious and scarce. In the last night or so, Grant and I reached a good trade off cycle of sleep with each other where he would sleep while I nursed or didn't need his immediate help, and then if I couldn't get her settled after a feeding or was not able to get her diaper changed without much pain, he would wake and take care of that and calming her to sleep (sometimes downstairs) so I could get some sleep too. Last night I tried something a bit different- after feeding I just let her sleep on my chest. She was happy, I was happy and we both got a couple of hours of sleep. Help is needed for everything, not only in baby care but definitely because of the surgery recovery. I hate having to take so much pain medication to the point where at times I feel overly zonked and super emotional. I am dealing with the emotional hormone dump after birth already, so tears are easy to come by even though I am super happy. Just getting out of bed to care for myself needed assistance. Today I am doing better, moving around and able to get up although still confined to the upstairs a bit longer. I'm not sure what I would do without all the support my mom and Grant have given me- they have been life savers.







My mom taking care of Alchemy and giving me some down time.

I am not sure if there is an expiration date on asking for help in this, but I damn sure couldn't do this alone. I firmly believe in villages raising a child, so I am taking help from lots of sources, but sometimes those sources contradict each other, leaving me in a cloud of self doubt about my abilities as a new mom and in tears. Grant keeps reassuring me that I am the mom and authority on what happens for Alchemy and that I get to make the decisions to follow or not follow any advice I am given and should go with what I think or know is best for her.

Still, it takes time, and its only been one week.







Alchemy, home and happy- 5 days old.

Location: Austin, TX