Unfinished to do lists

This morning I woke up with great intentions. Grant too had big plans for his day. He intended to get to the garden this morning, but unfortunately had a long night of insomnia and came back to bed at about the time he originally planned to garden. Once he was up again and ready to leave, it was too hot, so that sacked the morning gardening plans for him.

I made a to-do list full of errands and a variety of things to clean. Dear friend E came over to be my help and my mom decided to come out a day earlier to assist as well. E arrived, I got myself together and finally we ran a shopping errand, grabbed food and came home. At that point, my mom arrived so we all sat down to eat, and a few minutes later another friend M arrived with her daughter and a bunch of clothes for Alchemy. What a house full of fun! We all sat around and visited for quite a while- me checking out the cute baby clothes with M while E played with the baby since it was her first time meeting her. An hour or so later, the good friends left and mom, Grant and I ate dinner and visited more with each other. Suddenly we look up and it is 11 p.m., so now we are all in our beds winding down from the day.

I didn't get even half the list done. Sure, we did the laundry which is awesome. My bag for the hospital is half packed which won't be too hard to finish tomorrow. Some things just may not get done- the studio may not be perfectly spotless after all and the upstairs may have to get vacuumed while I am at the hospital this week. The nesting instinct in me is high enough to be annoyed by the little things, but the rest of me needed just what I got today- some good supportive emotional time with my friends and family to prepare me for her birth on Monday. At this exact moment of writing I feel better about it. I spoke to my midwife today for a while by phone- she is going to go with us on Monday and be there for the birth, which makes me feel much better supported. Having my mom here with me helps a lot. Tomorrow morning I may be crying again, but that just comes with the emotional flow of things right now so I try to just go with it.

Already in my head I have a tiny to-do list going for tomorrow- grocery shopping in the a.m. with mom, making a big batch of chicken soup and hopefully lots of down time maybe hanging out watching a movie in bed. I have been ordered by our midwife to get mostly rest and good emotional time with Grant and the baby tomorrow before our big day on Monday.

Before I know it, my sweet girl will be here, I am so excited to meet her.

Location:Austin TX

Almost time

It's crazy to me that it feels like it was just yesterday Grant and I were on our honeymoon dreaming of our future together, imagining & hoping for kids.
It's something we have always both wanted in our lives- when we met almost 5 years ago, not much time passed before we found ourselves talking about our desires for kids. Both of us had been in previous relationships where for whatever reason kids weren't possible.

When I went to Portland to move Grant to Texas, I remember several moments of being together even that early in our relationship and sharing moments of delight and longing for kids together- two friends along our journey had children we had the opportunity to delight in. We found ourselves seeking shelter from the heat in an Arizona bookstore where I wandered into the baby & children's section, happily exploring all the cute things I would want for a baby one day, with Grant looking on smiling at me. Later in our trip we found ourselves up late one night talking about our hopes for children in our lives one day.



(Grant and I in Arizona on our trip together to Texas from Oregon.)

Fast forward 3 years to our honeymoon. After many months of working with my body in attempt to deal with potential fertility issues, as we played with the beautiful daughter & adorable son of other dear friends, I sat wondering if I would ever be able to conceive, not even realizing at the time that I already had on our wedding night. Little suspicious hints appeared on that trip, and by the time we returned to Texas, I found myself testing for pregnancy, to which I received a negative answer. (turns out it was too soon to detect) Being the stubborn woman I am, I didn't believe it, and tried again two weeks later. I received not one, but 4 positive tests then. (still stubborn, but now in wonder and disbelief!)

Never have I been so happy to say the words "honey, I have something to tell you" when Grant walked in the door.

It feels like that wonderful January 15th afternoon was just yesterday, yet now I find myself round and full of life, waiting for a new date right around the corner where we will finally meet our beautiful daughter. I have my moments of getting emotionally hung up on the birthing process not being what I was hoping for, but mostly I am just very excited to finally see her, smell her, hold her in my arms and kiss her little toes.

Soon, our Alchemy Grace will be here.

Location:Austin, TX

Ready or not

I am trying to make it a habit to post daily to this blog, even at moments like right now when I don't feel like it at all.

I don't like today very much at the moment, although it's been a perfectly good day and I am mostly having an emotional reaction to a day that hasn't
even arrived yet.

The morning started with tea x2 and a good breakfast of eggs and an English muffin to the open windows, but that was short lived due to the immense amount of smoke smell coming in. It began to make sense why I had a headache all night while I was attempting to sleep and woke with it as well. Windows shut and a/c back on, the morning continued less painfully.

Mid afternoon I picked Grant up from work and we went to meet our new OBGYN. Had a quick picnic lunch in the parking lot in our car before going in to fill out a very short set of new patient paperwork in a waiting room that was actually kid friendly (good sign). Got called back on time and met the Dr., who we liked very much. Talked a lot about where things were with Alchemy at the moment, and what our plan for her birth would be. Honestly, she made this cesarean section sound like a piece of celebratory birthday cake for our little one while being super honest and open to hearing my questions and concerns. All this is great, but I still feel completely unprepared mentally & emotionally for the fact that this is a reality. A reality I very well may experience in the next several days- it's the doctor's hope at this time to get me scheduled with the hospital to birth on Monday.

While Grant has reached a new stage of excitement that she will be here in a few days and this all finally feels more real to him, I have reached a weird numb slightly terrified space of realizing that I only have a few short days left to prepare both for her arrival and for this surgery that I still don't want. I thought I was doing better emotionally with it until about 20 minutes ago. Maybe tomorrow I will feel more stable with it once we have the actual delivery time set up and the plan more finalized.

I couldn't even think about making dinner when we got home, so I took us out for Thai at our favorite Thai place. Had the same soup I ate on our wedding night thinking it seemed appropriate as my last Thai meal before the birth. (we conceived her after that yummy post wedding dinner)

Watered our garden after dinner, then ran an errand to the library to check out some books. Came home to find a garbage pail on our doorstep. While this would be odd to most folks, for us it was exciting since it was our first diaper delivery from our diaper service! One big pail, a bag, 3 waterproof covers, a snappi and 90 newborn cloth diapers all here and ready to go.

Now, I just have to get ready too.

I have a list of things in mind that still need to be done that feels overwhelming at the moment, especially since Grant is putting in so much work time trying to buy more time to spend with me in the weeks that come. Part of me feels stressed by all that I need to get done this weekend in preparation, and part of me wonders if the prep would be best to keep my mind off the upcoming surgery. We shall see.

Location:Austin, TX

Adventures on a Tuesday

Today has been a pretty good day.

It started with a slow and gentle waking to the cool breeze and brightening sky, songs of birds and sounds of cars filtering in through our open bedroom window. Hopped up and came downstairs to tea and some breakfast with my love before he headed out to the bus.

Off I went a short while later to the La Leche League meeting near us that Grant calls "The Milk Bar." When I last went a couple of months ago, there was hardly anyone there. Today I walked in at about 10 minutes after it started to find 16 moms present with babies! As usual, when a new person arrives, they have you introduce yourself to the group and check in with you on why you have come. So, I told them who I was and when I was due. They asked where I planned to birth, to which I replied "Well.... my plan and reality are currently not the same..." and filled them in on my situation with Alchemy. Boy am I glad I went today. Not only did I meet many moms who were very reassuring about their Cesarean experience, but I met several in that room who had used the same OB I will be meeting tomorrow and LOVE her. They spoke very highly of their experience with her even when they needed surgery as well. I like what I heard and am more hopeful that tomorrow we will walk out of her office feeling much more natural birth supported in our Cesarean if that is the path we have to take.


Left there and decided to stop quickly at the bead shop for new clasps so I could fix a piece of jewelry or two, and hoped for a bagel, but the bagel shop was oddly closed. Oh well. Onward towards home where I spoke with my mom for about an hour while making and eating a very yummy lunch. Shortly after, I was sleepy-ish so I took a small nap that got interrupted several times- ended up being more of a short laying sideways than a short nap, but that works.

Now- feeling less groggy and a little more with it, I am adventuring in cookie land. About a week ago, Grant very sweetly made me a batch of cookies since I had been craving something tasty and he wanted to keep me away from crack-filled store bought cookies. So, I bought things I liked in an oatmeal cookie and he found a good recipe- slightly crispy, slightly soft. What came out of it was the most orgasmically yummy oatmeal cookie I have had, maybe ever. He was worried our cookies would go bad and sit too long. We ate them in two days.

Today I decided that I would recreate the amazing, but of course Grant tells me that he altered the recipe. "Oh great, how will I duplicate it!? Did you write it down?" "No. I didn't even measure" he tells me. I gave him my "Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?" face. He laughed. FINE. I can do this myself and make these cookies Nicole style. So today, I attacked said recipe, altering it much like he did- "whip the hell out of the butter" he tells me. No chilling the dough. I put more butterscotch chips that he did, but that's because I love them. I didn't measure the raisins though, Grant would be proud. Parchment paper? Heck no, we use butter. My cookies are smaller, almost bite sized- making me feel less guilty when I eat 4 of them without blinking. Less chewy, more crunchy which I like. All in all, a cookie success!! Now, I have to remember to eat dinner tonight and not just have cookies.

This is the recipe- we altered it a bit, but I think that is the fun of it. If you love oatmeal cookies, try these!
http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/02/thick-chewy-oatmeal-raisin-cookies/#comment-896095

In other news, I am realizing several small things bring happiness to me today beyond just the great weather and awesome cookies. Thought I'd share them with you.

 The beautiful card my mom sent me today in honor of me becoming a mother. Inside it talks about how I am the greatest thing she has ever made. Love my mom, she is the best ever.

 I am not sure why I have hesitated picking this off the shelf for so long. I am loving this book so far, very amusing.

 I work best when organized, and even though I am not "working" in the traditional sense, I do love having one book to write down my to-do's, appointments and hopefully my future henna sessions. At very least, it will be filled with pediatrician appointments. :)

 I am in love with my double insulated Klean Kanteen. I bought it originally to use for my bus rides with hot tea when I was working and I couldn't get over how hot it kept my tea- for at very least 5 hours it still steamed. Recently I have been using it for ice water or iced rasberry leaf tea and have been amazed at the never melting ice and the steam- that comes from my hot breath hitting the extremely cold liquid inside as I go to drink. Whoever designed this thing is a genius and Wheatsville Co-op sells them. I am also in love with that Mac Trackpad we got for the computer when we upgraded to Lion. I hated our mouse, this thing is a Godsend.

 My altar is looking pretty-filled with lots of coming baby mojo. Every possible birth helping spirit or deity I am aware of is being honored on there. I am fast running out of room and feel like it's turning into a bit of an altar collage, but I like that. Feels like a big magickal art piece.

 Our Ganesha altar has been getting lots of love this week- he usually gets love, but since it's his birthday Chathurthi week, we are giving him lots more love. I just shared my cookies with him.

And last- these cute little glasses bought with the intent of being little wine glasses. Grant likes his red one so much he has been drinking pretty much everything out of it. Eventually, these will take over where our other inferior wine glasses leave off.

Now, to enjoy the sunset and the rest of the evening before I pick up my love from his late class tonight. Because I love him, I will bring him a cookie. 

Testing testing...123

Discovered the hard way that it is impossible to use Blogger with an IPad causing me to grump about the potential to drop the ball on my daily post.

Thankfully, I married a genius, who knew that there must be an IPad app that would allow me to do so.

Success, an app is downloaded, but now I must try it to see if it works, hence this post. If it does I will at least be more able to keep up with writing/posting from the comfort of my bed once Alchemy arrives.

Sunset Ponderings & the Suspension of Disbelief

Today was a beautiful day- woke up to tea with Grant ever so briefly before he ran out to be productive at our garden. The summer heat has taken a toll on the garden, killing off most all of our Spring plantings. Weeds took over, bermuda grass ran rampant and the tomatoes, peppers and pretty much everything else slowly gave up the ghost to the 100+ heat. We expected this and thought it best not to waste water in the fight to keep it alive, but our garden zone manager contacted us anyways to make sure that we hadn't forgotten about our garden, most likely because it looked so bad! Grant has spent much time in the past few weeks trying to get it all straightened out, and today's cooler weather was the perfect time to finish up the clearing. I thought about taking a walk earlier in the day to go over and see it, but waited till close to sunset and finally we walked over together. As we walked there, I looked at the sun setting and thought "Wow, what a beautiful rich red the sky is around the setting sun." Then upon further glance, realized that what was aiding such a gorgeous sunset was actually the smoke in the sky from distant wildfires.

It was good to see the garden again after so long. It has been so hot I have been avoiding spending any time there since the last time I went for an hour or so in my 2nd trimester to put work time in- that day even drinking lots of water I ended up overheated and dehydrated which for me equaled sick for the rest of the day- after that I no longer wanted to take any chances with the heat. Our garden plot is pretty empty again- only a few herbs and plants remain alive and growing, although I know under our soil lies the dormant root systems of so many plants that will return with the cooler wetter weather to come. Just a reminder that everything has it's season and cycle. The walk in the cool breeze of the garden made it feel like Fall- I don't trust the weather enough to believe that this cool air will last much beyond this week and fear that next week we will find ourselves in 100+ degree weather again, but I try to set that thought aside and just enjoy this moment now, the cool breeze on my face as I walk along ever so slowly and front heavy.

Lately it seems my whole life is about the suspension of disbelief and the remainder of hope and peaceful acceptance of what will be.

Once home, we immediately opened our windows to allow the cool evening breeze in- Oscar was very excited to go sniff out what was happening outside.  Even if this weather doesn't stick very long, I know that within the next two weeks Alchemy will arrive, and soon enough the weather will cool just in time for she and I to take small walks together- that keeps me hopeful and happy.

Burning Heart

Tonight as I sit safely in my home, hundreds of people in areas all around my city are losing theirs to horrendous wild fires. North of Austin, South of Austin, to its east- fires are burning out of control, the worst seemingly in Bastrop- a place near and dear to my heart.

Many friends who live in these varying areas have evacuated the homes. Many people (none whom I know that I am aware of) have lost everything- their homes, their pets. Our Austin shelters are trying to take in as many evacuated pets as possible and are on the search for foster homes at this midnight hour. A variety of shelters are being opened up to the residents of these areas to stay the night at very least.

I worry for these folks, my thoughts are with them & yet my sadness is for the land, most especially in Bastrop. Selfishly, I shed a tear thinking that less than a year ago, Grant and I were married in Bastrop, not in the state park as we had originally hoped and scheduled, but in the adjacent park of LCRA Bastrop Lake Park, which was just as beautiful to behold and held such wonderful energy for us on such an auspicious day. Tonight I sit holding my rounded belly, sad that I may not be able to take my daughter to see the space where her father and I got married or to hike the trails we love so much in the Bastrop State Park there. Of the 6,500 acres of Lost Pines there, at this moment it is reported that 3,000 have burned, and the fire still blazes. This one place of pine forest in Texas may by the time the sun rises be gone, and it breaks my heart.

We have a distinct lack of the water element in Texas right now, this drought and the immense heat we have seen this summer (record breaking days over 100+ degrees in Austin) not helping the wildfire situation be easy to control. No rain comes our way as much as we need it. Strong winds blow our way today from a near by tropical storm, Air element spreading the fires that much faster.
All the ash will return to Earth, but the only Water that may be shed will come from fire hoses and tears.

The only fire here is those contained in candles on my altars- they have had much to burn for these past weeks.

Great Work-in-progress

Visit yesterday with the midwives was a good one. I got to see Charlotte, one of my favorite midwives who I haven't seen since January for an appt. Updated her on all the hoops Alchemy and I have been jumping through together and did another ultrasound. She looks awesomely healthy, has a gorgeous big round head and is still firmly and happily seated in my pelvis. If there had to be a midwife to tell me she thought the kid wouldn't budge, I am glad it was Charlotte.

So, swallowed that news minus the Mary Poppins spoon full of sugar, but still with hope that a miracle could occur and Alchemy would flip any day now. They referred me to an OBGYN that they work with all the time in situations such as these- she is very good and very natural birth minded, delivers tons of natural birth babies in a hospital setting, and her entire staff is made up of nurse midwives. If I have to go through a scheduled cesarean birth, I'd rather it be with a staff like that. We have an appointment set up to meet them next Wednesday. Grant suspects that once we get in there and get the ball rolling, they may want to schedule us pretty soon after that. It's crazy to me to imagine that a week from now I could find myself with my beautiful girl in my arms. She technically isn't due for 2 weeks- I am exactly 38 weeks today, but there is no telling when they will want to schedule for in order to prevent a possible emergency cesarean birth, which technically could happen any day now (or moment for that matter) anyways.

Is this what I was hoping for? No. Is this in any way ideal? No. All in all, will it matter a single bit once she is here in our lives? Also- No.

I have the good fortune to have a (new) friend who is also a midwife and spiritually minded person who I reached out to today to get her thoughts on all this- she shared something with me that was told to her by a midwife who trained her many years ago. She said that in a similar situation to mine, she was worrying that they could have done something different or more to help the mom & baby get the natural birth they had hoped for, and her mentor said:

"We get awfully focused on our lives at times, so much so that we don't realize that we are more intertwined than we think. It is not just that mama's karma which brought her here, but the baby's karma as well. And beyond that the daddy's karma, and the karma of all four grandparents. This child is a culmination of many paths that came together to form this tiny being. Who are we to say we know the karma of any of them."

That put things into perspective for me quite a bit- this is not my journey alone, but Alchemy's. As much as the birth is part of my journey, it really is the very first steps of her long life journey in this world and she has to choose the path that is right for her. 31 years ago, I chose to show up super early through an emergency cesarean weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces and needing hospitalization for 6 weeks after- none must have been easy on my parents, but here I am sitting soundly, happily, healthily telling you about it.

Also, through this pregnancy I have thought a lot about seeking out either Doula or Midwifery training as a potential option career-wise in the future. When I thought about all this, I realized that what I wish my midwives could do most for me is help me adjust to the possibility of a non-natural birth emotionally and mentally right now, but they are so set in the natural birth mind that many of them just have no words of comfort for me here. Many of my midwives are not mothers, and those that are birthed naturally. If I have to do this through surgery, I can still birth the next naturally and how much stronger of a support would I be to a mother if I can tell her that I have been in both pairs of shoes and understand the situation that much more. (YAY for finding a bit more silver lining in this cloud)

So, tonight after an excellent time with friends over dinner I am winding down- feeling lots of movement from Alchemy and getting more excited about the possibility of meeting her soon, holding her in my arms, bonding with her, smelling and kissing her head and finally feeling the completion of this wonderful journey I have been on. She's my Great Work-in-progress.

Removing the obstacles, opening for the new.

My friend J just shared this out and as I sat watching, I couldn't help but desire to get a hold of lots of marigolds so I can do proper puja here at our home altar for Ganesha- but beyond that, I really desire to find a local temple where there may be celebration that I can visit. Ganesha and I have a good relationship, and if there is any time where I need his wisdom, joy and removal of obstacles, now would be it.

This morning as I drink my tea in prep for the busy day ahead, I think about the prepping that goes beyond this day to get us ready for Alchemy's arrival. Some would call this the "nesting" period, but for me its a bit beyond nesting a more stressing in some cases. While we have done a ton of basic stuff to prepare, it still feels like there is so much to do while I recognize that my time may be limited and that my body is not able to do all it could before. We measured the windows for curtains today- I have hope that we will at least be able to buy some for our bedroom where the baby and I will rest quite a bit in the first days. It's funny to think that after 2 years of living here, we have never gotten curtains, but that also makes me think about catalysts for action. Before now, while we would have loved curtains, they were not nearly as important to us as they are at this moment, so now we act. When I think about my life, I recognize that I have been in constant action towards this one goal for many years- my early desire to put my life in a place where I could have a baby shifted everything for me when I was 25. Now at 31, she is almost here. I don't regret a single day that has gone by, or a single hard moment I lived through or decision I have made that has gotten me to this exact place. I feel supremely blessed to be in this exact moment knowing that amazing beautiful days beyond this one are about to unfold with me, and my family will expand with my heart and love. I can't wait to share the days with not only Grant by also Alchemy.

Even as I think about the beauty in all that, I still recognize the little tasks that need doing- omigods, how am I possibly going to get the bathroom as clean as I need it to be? My mom thankfully is coming to stay with me for a while, but the usual prep of my art/guest room will not be sufficient to house her for longer term, so I need to get that ready as well. My brain is trying to find a way to balance the to-do list I create with the desire to stop, be still and rest- knowing that these are my final days to get that really deep sleep, to sit in the quiet before my whole world as I know it changes- for the good, but changes none the less.

Maybe Ganesha will bless me with someone who likes to clean and organize houses!

Pineapple Rice adventures

Tonight Grant and I will be attending a dinner potluck at our friend's house. We love hanging out with S & M, so we are extremely glad to be joining them and meeting their other friends P & H.

Originally when I heard this was a potluck dinner I got excited- I love making food and sharing it out. Then I was told that H is vegan, so I needed/should make something vegan friendly. No problem, I'm not vegan so its a bit more tricky for me, but I am sure I can find something good. Happened to have a package of Seitan in my fridge, so I went on a search on my favorite recipe blog (http://www.101cookbooks.com/) for something good, and what I found was a recipe for Pineapple Rice. (http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/pineapple-rice-recipe.html)

Looked at the ingredients and I had pretty much everything I needed to make it already on hand with the exception of a very few things. One glitch in the matrix- it calls for brown rice. This isn't hard for your average bear, but I only started cooking with brown rice for the first time this week when I made the Spanish Rice Casserole (amazing!!) a few nights ago. Having never had to just cook a batch of brown rice, I was a bit intimidated. Thank gods for Google. Looked up instructions, kinda blended the two I found and wa-la, cooked brown rice to let cool. Only thing I am slightly concerned about it the mushiness of the rice- I hate when brown rice is too hard still, but this rice ended up very soft, I think next time I will lessen the water and cook time by just a bit to try to get it perfect.

Fast forward a couple of hours and with a bit of blending, chopping, sauteing and stirring, I now have a giant pot of Pineapple Rice, extra dressing/sauce in a jar to be heated for when we serve it, and the toppings. It tastes good, but is still a bit mushy. Hopefully everyone will be so happy with the taste that they will excuse the mush-factor. If not, we may all be walking to the nearest vegan friendly restaurant for dinner.

Rebirth

Om Gam Gana Pataye- Ganesha please open the way, remove the obstacles and clear my path.



Yet again, this blog gets an overhaul. I think the problem I often have with it is that I don't know what to use it for, or how I want to use this container for my thoughts, images, voice etc.. I also don't know who I want to share this with, so then I wonder who I am writing for.

This time around, I think I am mostly posting for myself, using this as a space to record the moments I need to release from myself- if others read it or desire to, that is good too.
So, there was deleting, re-naming, new photos and new life given to this blog today.

New life seems to be my theme at the moment. I am just over 37 weeks along in my pregnancy, getting closer to the moment when I get to meet my daughter. Lately, a lot of my energy has gone into worrying about the process of getting her here rather than the end result of having her here with me. This has been the most amazing beautiful pregnancy, and this close to the end a tiny problem surfaces- she is breach and doesn't seem to want to turn yet. Now when a problem arises, I am not the kind of woman not to try to take it on, so I found (& still find) myself doing everything in my power to help this little girl flip- moxabustion, chiropractor visits, inversions on land, inversion in water, swimming, music, hot/cold exposure etc... plus a visit with an OBGYN who attempted to turn her. What an intense experience. We tried 3 times with no luck. At this point in the game your average person would probably just give up, but I can't seem to do that. Although I will get no more help from doctors on this one, I am still doing the moxa, chiro & inversions plus everything else I can think of to assist in making my body the open vessel she needs to turn into the proper position.

Today in my visit to the Chiro, I got a mirror held up for me. The Dr. told me that he sees a definite blockage energetically with me- in my case, the solar plexus chakra or Will center, the core of me. What he pointed out is that I am currently second-guessing myself & my worth, carrying weight of guilt or feelings of inadequacy with me around all this breach business. Of course, he nailed it. I have totally been struggling with feeling like her being in the wrong position is somehow my fault- that I am not open enough in my pelvis or that my body isn't capable of supporting her to turn and that if I end up having to have a ceasarean birth that I would somehow be failing her when my intentions were to have a natural birth. Plenty of grief has been shed over this in the past few week, plenty of tears have fallen. I literally sat one day in the midst of it all feeling somewhere between heartbroken and in mourning for the birth that I had so desperately wanted, feeling crushed by the possibility that I would have to go through surgery instead.

But then, there is the product not the process- my husband Grant keeps reminding me that no matter what the method of her getting here is, the real goal is that she arrives healthy and I am too. And when I focus on that and on her, a calm settles in for me. Then I realize that I still have hope- there is a chance that in the next two and a half weeks prior to her due date that all the efforts I put in will help, she may still turn. The key is staying open- I can't curl around the grief and fear because it closes me more, but instead need to unfold and open like a lotus to the possibilities of this all going well and the potential to still birth naturally.

So today, I sit and breathe into that space just above my belly and below my breastbone- so near to hear head and her cute little toes sits that blocked chakra. I imagine it opening and clearing, producing more space for her to be, to move, to flow with the waves of my body in the potential that she will turn on her own, on her own terms. I remind myself that I can assist but ultimately have to let go- trying to control this situation is not serving either one of us.

Alchemical Waves

May the waves flow around you and softly turn you towards the path that leads you to my arms.