Abundance

Things have been super busy, but also a bunch of fun lately.

Here are some highlights:

sleeping soundly after her bath

Alchemy turned 5 months old a few days ago (Feb 12th). I can't believe how fast this time has flown by and how much she has grown. She is developing quite the personality- mostly a happy baby, but during those moments when she is upset, she sure can let you know! I am not sure if I have ever seen a baby this young so observant and expressive. We have started signing with her a bit to try to teach her a few basic words- the other day I signed "I love you" at her when I said it, she looked at me really intently, then curled her fingers into the sign!! We were astounded, and although it may have been just a fluke and she hasn't done it since, I can't help but think that she is watching us carefully and may be able to make her first real intentional signs soon (hopefully "milk" so she can tell me when she is hungry).

before our weekend adventure together

tummy time is fun!

 She is getting so much stronger- tummy time is becoming something she is starting to enjoy- I need to do more of it not to strengthen her neck so much, but to strengthen her arms so she can push up eventually and begin crawling (What a terrifying thought). She is drooling more than I thought possible- we suspect that her teeth are moving around in her gums. I suppose its only a matter of time before the first two make an appearance and the days of more comfortable nursing are over. *sigh* She is chewing on just about everything at the moment- I was just eating a pear and smooshed some up with my finger to let her taste. She actually seemed to like it, which hopefully bodes well for the first set of baby food puree I am about to make and freeze. Hopefully she will still like pears when we really start trying food.


She is also getting better at sitting up with my support. I am looking forward to when she can sit up on her own and play with toys more. Recently she has taken an interest in Jezebel, my scaredy cat who is not all that scared of Alchemy. They lay on the bed together most mornings and occasionally Alchemy will reach a hand out an touch her. I am trying to encourage gentle touch rather than the "fist full of fur" yanking approach that she has previous tried. Thankfully, Jezebel didn't even seem to notice.

making friends with Jezebel

Beyond the amazing cuteness that is my daughter, the garden has also been a delight lately.

My favorite of what we have recently grown is the cauliflower- this year we grew two varieties:

Purple Graffiti

Veronica Romanesco

Both varieties getting tossed in the oven to roast!

Chilli lime cauliflower breakfast tacos

As you can see, one is a gorgeous purple color- that head of cauliflower was ginormous- I have never seen a cauliflower so large before. I was worried it wouldn't taste good but it has turned out to be very sweet. I had never grown let alone cooked one of the fractal variety before- I was delighted at how beautiful the Romanesco turned out. Both mixed together have made us some very tasty meals. Grant made us breakfast tacos one morning with chilli lime cauliflower.

A neighbor gardener also has shared a ton of his food with us, including a beautiful head of purple cabbage that I would have loved to turn into a dye or paint. I didn't think I liked cabbage much because I had so rarely had it in the past, but it came out good sauteed with caraway and wine.

purple cabbage

 I have really enjoyed eating from our garden. We have had almost no cold days/nights here, and the lack of winter has in some ways let our garden really flourish. We have had rain which has also helped quite a bit. I keep waiting for a frost to hit, but so far we are managing to keep things going well and the weather seems to be warming up. This worries me, since no winter may mean our summer is even more unbearable than last year.


The last exciting thing to share is that my art room is finally coming back together into a usable space. Since Alchemy was born, the room has been in a weird stasis. First it was the residence of my mom while she was staying with us (which I will once again say was absolutely wonderful), then it became my sister Gina's bedroom when she visited (also absolutely wonderful!), then it became the baby & mama clothing storage space as well as the place to put everything in transition for our big house remodel over the holidays. Finally, it is back to almost normal-

I sat yesterday afternoon for the first time at the desk and made some much overdo art again. We plugged in my ipod for some good music, Alchemy hung out in her old bassinet, or on her playmat on the floor, or in her bumbo chair playing with toys. I sang, she giggled & art got made.

 

I can see the desk top again! Art is once again being made.

When Alchemy is not using her bassinet, Jezebel loves to sleep in it. It has gotten to the point where I have to put a towel down to catch all the hair so when we actually want to use it for Alchemy we can. 

Alchemy's library and toy box

 Probably my favorite new addition to the space is Alchemy's library. I have been gathering the books we got for her, books we have received as gift and new books that I picked up for her at Recycled Reads- the local bookstore that has all the books that are out of use in our Austin Library. The awesome part is that all their children's books are fifty cents, their adult books only a dollar. For the cost of one book at Half Price, I was able to get her a ton of books! It is my hope that I can eventually fill this shelf with books for her to read.

I love our glider rocking chair.

We often sit in the rocker together in the afternoons reading- lately we have nursed there often and she has fallen asleep while rocking.



I still have some things to hang on the walls, shelves and a mirror to put up, curtains to hang- but overall, it is really coming together.

Adventures on a Tuesday

Today has been a pretty good day.

It started with a slow and gentle waking to the cool breeze and brightening sky, songs of birds and sounds of cars filtering in through our open bedroom window. Hopped up and came downstairs to tea and some breakfast with my love before he headed out to the bus.

Off I went a short while later to the La Leche League meeting near us that Grant calls "The Milk Bar." When I last went a couple of months ago, there was hardly anyone there. Today I walked in at about 10 minutes after it started to find 16 moms present with babies! As usual, when a new person arrives, they have you introduce yourself to the group and check in with you on why you have come. So, I told them who I was and when I was due. They asked where I planned to birth, to which I replied "Well.... my plan and reality are currently not the same..." and filled them in on my situation with Alchemy. Boy am I glad I went today. Not only did I meet many moms who were very reassuring about their Cesarean experience, but I met several in that room who had used the same OB I will be meeting tomorrow and LOVE her. They spoke very highly of their experience with her even when they needed surgery as well. I like what I heard and am more hopeful that tomorrow we will walk out of her office feeling much more natural birth supported in our Cesarean if that is the path we have to take.


Left there and decided to stop quickly at the bead shop for new clasps so I could fix a piece of jewelry or two, and hoped for a bagel, but the bagel shop was oddly closed. Oh well. Onward towards home where I spoke with my mom for about an hour while making and eating a very yummy lunch. Shortly after, I was sleepy-ish so I took a small nap that got interrupted several times- ended up being more of a short laying sideways than a short nap, but that works.

Now- feeling less groggy and a little more with it, I am adventuring in cookie land. About a week ago, Grant very sweetly made me a batch of cookies since I had been craving something tasty and he wanted to keep me away from crack-filled store bought cookies. So, I bought things I liked in an oatmeal cookie and he found a good recipe- slightly crispy, slightly soft. What came out of it was the most orgasmically yummy oatmeal cookie I have had, maybe ever. He was worried our cookies would go bad and sit too long. We ate them in two days.

Today I decided that I would recreate the amazing, but of course Grant tells me that he altered the recipe. "Oh great, how will I duplicate it!? Did you write it down?" "No. I didn't even measure" he tells me. I gave him my "Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?" face. He laughed. FINE. I can do this myself and make these cookies Nicole style. So today, I attacked said recipe, altering it much like he did- "whip the hell out of the butter" he tells me. No chilling the dough. I put more butterscotch chips that he did, but that's because I love them. I didn't measure the raisins though, Grant would be proud. Parchment paper? Heck no, we use butter. My cookies are smaller, almost bite sized- making me feel less guilty when I eat 4 of them without blinking. Less chewy, more crunchy which I like. All in all, a cookie success!! Now, I have to remember to eat dinner tonight and not just have cookies.

This is the recipe- we altered it a bit, but I think that is the fun of it. If you love oatmeal cookies, try these!
http://smittenkitchen.com/2009/02/thick-chewy-oatmeal-raisin-cookies/#comment-896095

In other news, I am realizing several small things bring happiness to me today beyond just the great weather and awesome cookies. Thought I'd share them with you.

 The beautiful card my mom sent me today in honor of me becoming a mother. Inside it talks about how I am the greatest thing she has ever made. Love my mom, she is the best ever.

 I am not sure why I have hesitated picking this off the shelf for so long. I am loving this book so far, very amusing.

 I work best when organized, and even though I am not "working" in the traditional sense, I do love having one book to write down my to-do's, appointments and hopefully my future henna sessions. At very least, it will be filled with pediatrician appointments. :)

 I am in love with my double insulated Klean Kanteen. I bought it originally to use for my bus rides with hot tea when I was working and I couldn't get over how hot it kept my tea- for at very least 5 hours it still steamed. Recently I have been using it for ice water or iced rasberry leaf tea and have been amazed at the never melting ice and the steam- that comes from my hot breath hitting the extremely cold liquid inside as I go to drink. Whoever designed this thing is a genius and Wheatsville Co-op sells them. I am also in love with that Mac Trackpad we got for the computer when we upgraded to Lion. I hated our mouse, this thing is a Godsend.

 My altar is looking pretty-filled with lots of coming baby mojo. Every possible birth helping spirit or deity I am aware of is being honored on there. I am fast running out of room and feel like it's turning into a bit of an altar collage, but I like that. Feels like a big magickal art piece.

 Our Ganesha altar has been getting lots of love this week- he usually gets love, but since it's his birthday Chathurthi week, we are giving him lots more love. I just shared my cookies with him.

And last- these cute little glasses bought with the intent of being little wine glasses. Grant likes his red one so much he has been drinking pretty much everything out of it. Eventually, these will take over where our other inferior wine glasses leave off.

Now, to enjoy the sunset and the rest of the evening before I pick up my love from his late class tonight. Because I love him, I will bring him a cookie. 

Great Work-in-progress

Visit yesterday with the midwives was a good one. I got to see Charlotte, one of my favorite midwives who I haven't seen since January for an appt. Updated her on all the hoops Alchemy and I have been jumping through together and did another ultrasound. She looks awesomely healthy, has a gorgeous big round head and is still firmly and happily seated in my pelvis. If there had to be a midwife to tell me she thought the kid wouldn't budge, I am glad it was Charlotte.

So, swallowed that news minus the Mary Poppins spoon full of sugar, but still with hope that a miracle could occur and Alchemy would flip any day now. They referred me to an OBGYN that they work with all the time in situations such as these- she is very good and very natural birth minded, delivers tons of natural birth babies in a hospital setting, and her entire staff is made up of nurse midwives. If I have to go through a scheduled cesarean birth, I'd rather it be with a staff like that. We have an appointment set up to meet them next Wednesday. Grant suspects that once we get in there and get the ball rolling, they may want to schedule us pretty soon after that. It's crazy to me to imagine that a week from now I could find myself with my beautiful girl in my arms. She technically isn't due for 2 weeks- I am exactly 38 weeks today, but there is no telling when they will want to schedule for in order to prevent a possible emergency cesarean birth, which technically could happen any day now (or moment for that matter) anyways.

Is this what I was hoping for? No. Is this in any way ideal? No. All in all, will it matter a single bit once she is here in our lives? Also- No.

I have the good fortune to have a (new) friend who is also a midwife and spiritually minded person who I reached out to today to get her thoughts on all this- she shared something with me that was told to her by a midwife who trained her many years ago. She said that in a similar situation to mine, she was worrying that they could have done something different or more to help the mom & baby get the natural birth they had hoped for, and her mentor said:

"We get awfully focused on our lives at times, so much so that we don't realize that we are more intertwined than we think. It is not just that mama's karma which brought her here, but the baby's karma as well. And beyond that the daddy's karma, and the karma of all four grandparents. This child is a culmination of many paths that came together to form this tiny being. Who are we to say we know the karma of any of them."

That put things into perspective for me quite a bit- this is not my journey alone, but Alchemy's. As much as the birth is part of my journey, it really is the very first steps of her long life journey in this world and she has to choose the path that is right for her. 31 years ago, I chose to show up super early through an emergency cesarean weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces and needing hospitalization for 6 weeks after- none must have been easy on my parents, but here I am sitting soundly, happily, healthily telling you about it.

Also, through this pregnancy I have thought a lot about seeking out either Doula or Midwifery training as a potential option career-wise in the future. When I thought about all this, I realized that what I wish my midwives could do most for me is help me adjust to the possibility of a non-natural birth emotionally and mentally right now, but they are so set in the natural birth mind that many of them just have no words of comfort for me here. Many of my midwives are not mothers, and those that are birthed naturally. If I have to do this through surgery, I can still birth the next naturally and how much stronger of a support would I be to a mother if I can tell her that I have been in both pairs of shoes and understand the situation that much more. (YAY for finding a bit more silver lining in this cloud)

So, tonight after an excellent time with friends over dinner I am winding down- feeling lots of movement from Alchemy and getting more excited about the possibility of meeting her soon, holding her in my arms, bonding with her, smelling and kissing her head and finally feeling the completion of this wonderful journey I have been on. She's my Great Work-in-progress.

Removing the obstacles, opening for the new.

My friend J just shared this out and as I sat watching, I couldn't help but desire to get a hold of lots of marigolds so I can do proper puja here at our home altar for Ganesha- but beyond that, I really desire to find a local temple where there may be celebration that I can visit. Ganesha and I have a good relationship, and if there is any time where I need his wisdom, joy and removal of obstacles, now would be it.

This morning as I drink my tea in prep for the busy day ahead, I think about the prepping that goes beyond this day to get us ready for Alchemy's arrival. Some would call this the "nesting" period, but for me its a bit beyond nesting a more stressing in some cases. While we have done a ton of basic stuff to prepare, it still feels like there is so much to do while I recognize that my time may be limited and that my body is not able to do all it could before. We measured the windows for curtains today- I have hope that we will at least be able to buy some for our bedroom where the baby and I will rest quite a bit in the first days. It's funny to think that after 2 years of living here, we have never gotten curtains, but that also makes me think about catalysts for action. Before now, while we would have loved curtains, they were not nearly as important to us as they are at this moment, so now we act. When I think about my life, I recognize that I have been in constant action towards this one goal for many years- my early desire to put my life in a place where I could have a baby shifted everything for me when I was 25. Now at 31, she is almost here. I don't regret a single day that has gone by, or a single hard moment I lived through or decision I have made that has gotten me to this exact place. I feel supremely blessed to be in this exact moment knowing that amazing beautiful days beyond this one are about to unfold with me, and my family will expand with my heart and love. I can't wait to share the days with not only Grant by also Alchemy.

Even as I think about the beauty in all that, I still recognize the little tasks that need doing- omigods, how am I possibly going to get the bathroom as clean as I need it to be? My mom thankfully is coming to stay with me for a while, but the usual prep of my art/guest room will not be sufficient to house her for longer term, so I need to get that ready as well. My brain is trying to find a way to balance the to-do list I create with the desire to stop, be still and rest- knowing that these are my final days to get that really deep sleep, to sit in the quiet before my whole world as I know it changes- for the good, but changes none the less.

Maybe Ganesha will bless me with someone who likes to clean and organize houses!

Rebirth

Om Gam Gana Pataye- Ganesha please open the way, remove the obstacles and clear my path.



Yet again, this blog gets an overhaul. I think the problem I often have with it is that I don't know what to use it for, or how I want to use this container for my thoughts, images, voice etc.. I also don't know who I want to share this with, so then I wonder who I am writing for.

This time around, I think I am mostly posting for myself, using this as a space to record the moments I need to release from myself- if others read it or desire to, that is good too.
So, there was deleting, re-naming, new photos and new life given to this blog today.

New life seems to be my theme at the moment. I am just over 37 weeks along in my pregnancy, getting closer to the moment when I get to meet my daughter. Lately, a lot of my energy has gone into worrying about the process of getting her here rather than the end result of having her here with me. This has been the most amazing beautiful pregnancy, and this close to the end a tiny problem surfaces- she is breach and doesn't seem to want to turn yet. Now when a problem arises, I am not the kind of woman not to try to take it on, so I found (& still find) myself doing everything in my power to help this little girl flip- moxabustion, chiropractor visits, inversions on land, inversion in water, swimming, music, hot/cold exposure etc... plus a visit with an OBGYN who attempted to turn her. What an intense experience. We tried 3 times with no luck. At this point in the game your average person would probably just give up, but I can't seem to do that. Although I will get no more help from doctors on this one, I am still doing the moxa, chiro & inversions plus everything else I can think of to assist in making my body the open vessel she needs to turn into the proper position.

Today in my visit to the Chiro, I got a mirror held up for me. The Dr. told me that he sees a definite blockage energetically with me- in my case, the solar plexus chakra or Will center, the core of me. What he pointed out is that I am currently second-guessing myself & my worth, carrying weight of guilt or feelings of inadequacy with me around all this breach business. Of course, he nailed it. I have totally been struggling with feeling like her being in the wrong position is somehow my fault- that I am not open enough in my pelvis or that my body isn't capable of supporting her to turn and that if I end up having to have a ceasarean birth that I would somehow be failing her when my intentions were to have a natural birth. Plenty of grief has been shed over this in the past few week, plenty of tears have fallen. I literally sat one day in the midst of it all feeling somewhere between heartbroken and in mourning for the birth that I had so desperately wanted, feeling crushed by the possibility that I would have to go through surgery instead.

But then, there is the product not the process- my husband Grant keeps reminding me that no matter what the method of her getting here is, the real goal is that she arrives healthy and I am too. And when I focus on that and on her, a calm settles in for me. Then I realize that I still have hope- there is a chance that in the next two and a half weeks prior to her due date that all the efforts I put in will help, she may still turn. The key is staying open- I can't curl around the grief and fear because it closes me more, but instead need to unfold and open like a lotus to the possibilities of this all going well and the potential to still birth naturally.

So today, I sit and breathe into that space just above my belly and below my breastbone- so near to hear head and her cute little toes sits that blocked chakra. I imagine it opening and clearing, producing more space for her to be, to move, to flow with the waves of my body in the potential that she will turn on her own, on her own terms. I remind myself that I can assist but ultimately have to let go- trying to control this situation is not serving either one of us.

Alchemical Waves

May the waves flow around you and softly turn you towards the path that leads you to my arms.